Evasion

2012-01-30T22:08:00.003+08:00

Kind of wish I could take a day off tomorrow.

Happy birthday

2012-01-28T12:51:00.001+08:00

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

what i spent cny doing

2012-01-23T19:40:00.002+08:00

I know some friends who put in a lot of effort into post-photo edits and i must admit i'm not one of them. I love taking photos - i'm not very good at it yet because i'm not half as patient as i would like myself to be, but i do enjoy it. unfortunately, i am so incredibly lazy. when i'm in a good mood, like tonight, i do both lightroom and aperture. but most of the time i get away with auto-toning everything in lightroom.

But i've found my saviour - presets in lightroom! spent the entire evening just downloading free presets on the web and i'm head over heels in love with this function. it makes editing photos so much easier!

Buy me an air ticket

2012-01-19T22:28:00.002+08:00

Christopher Lee and I are currently entertaining the thoughts of doing both korea and new york if i do pass bar. which is a crazy idea because 1) i don't know if i'm gonna pass bar and the future looks bleak as ever and 2) it's absolutely fabulous.

third week of work just flew by. hardly felt the time pass by after lunch. i'm doing a good mix of corporate and litigation work. been putting off thinking about the future with part b results looming over us like a bad nightmare. Cannot emphasize further how badly i want to know the results so i can actually plan my next step.

but it's the new year. i have the best friends, best boyfriend and best family anyone can have. it would be most infelicitous for me not to bask in the joy and love that surrounds me. and for my dear dear friend, although you would not see this, but i love you. i love you so much and i only wish for you the very best things in life. no doubt life is very difficult for you right now, but we'll all be there for you. stay strong and keep your chin up :)

happy cny!

my favorite things

2012-01-14T23:29:00.003+08:00

thoroughly enjoyed the musee d'orsay exhibit. cannot wait to go back to paris and visit the museum this time. there's still so much i want to do - i'm not ashamed to admit i'm touristy as hell. fish and chips in London? Bring it on! Broadway in New York? I couldn't wait! If i do pass part b, I'll fly myself the first instant i could. I honestly love traveling - everything about it makes me delirious with happiness. Currently undecided between New York or Korea or Europe. i would love to visit Paris again - the art, the music, the buildings, the food...i love Paris. I don't care if it's overrated, it was amazing to be there.

Anyway, i've digress but the above are some of the amazing pieces. they even have an early version of the all too famous starry night. it was a great exhibition!

second week of work! really hoping that the results would be released soon so I can move on and plan my future. but great fun at drinks with the partners and round 2 & 3 with the girls afterwards. so glad that my colleagues are amazing. love the girls to bitssss!

Warm sun and i've got you.

2012-01-08T22:28:00.000+08:00

There are many times when i find Park & Cube a little too fashion forward for my liking - don't get me wrong, she's cool and her sense of fashion is amazing but other bloggers like style scrapbook seem to suggests slightly more wearable clothes.

but her photography, and her husband's, is amazing. the following photos i stole from her entry on their honeymoon in greece.

i wish i have her eye for detail. the amazing thing about wonderful photographs is that they bring you right where the picture was taken, without the jet lag or the hours of dry air on a plane. i could go on and on about these photos forever. I could almost feel the blazing sun, the warm seawater, the cosy mornings and the almost seductive ache between your toes as you trek carefully through the peddles. Just a few minutes on her site and i feel like i've just came back from a beautiful holiday by the Aegean Sea.

2012!

2012-01-02T10:44:00.004+08:00

Family christmas dinner :)

bringing the baby out for a walk at east coat - unlike most dogs, who would avoid puddles of water out of instinct, this tiny dog runs straight into them.

Don't leave me behind :(

So what are you doing in the front seat?

care to pick me up so i can join you?

Then i made macaroons with my sister - it didn't quite work out but at least it was a lot of fun :) i think making these macaroons were a lot more fun than eating them.

Last day of freedom! I'm not terribly upset or terribly looking forward to work, mostly because my mind is entirely occupied by thoughts of the part b exams. wish they would give us the results asap so i can actually move on from this. been making plans on what i can do should i fail part b. there is a constant berating of self for not studying hard enough during the part b exams, but i think my failures come from the inability to adapt to the breath-not-depth demands. i'm too used to giving in depth analysis, discussion of case law, the stuff that they teach us well in school. part b is different - it doesn't want much depth to your answers, as illustrated by the fact that the marking scheme is a points system. i studied too much when i could have simply used the slides and probably ace the exams without much thought. now i'm stuck with unfinished papers and way too much discussion on the different controversies surrounding the law. blah.

Can't explain how stressed out i've been - just hoping that the results would be released as soon as possible so i can quickly move on from here.

2012

2011-12-29T10:46:00.000+08:00

And so my holiday has swiftly come to an end. It's been a good holiday in all sense of the word. kicked off the holiday with a trip to hk, then came back and did USS with the girls. christmas was fun, had a couple of family gatherings and headed to jian ming's house to whip up a christmas dinner of our own. brought starlight out to east coast. went JB with my sister and her friends. had late night sups. met up with roxanne just last night and going on a day trip with the girls today. Inject quiet afternoons at starbucks where i got to do a bit of reading (and re-reading. as much as i loathe to admit this, i love Eat Pray Love) now and then. i haven't been watching my diet and the rainy mornings/evenings make it impossible for a run but i've given myself the free pass to decadence so i'm not watching the number of royce chocolates i've tossed into my mouth - these truffles, they are the curse of me.

And so, what are my plans for 2012?

The part b exam results looms over me like a dark cloud. my heart races at the mere thought of it. if i didn't manage to pass bar, my next best plans would be to intern somewhere and do the bar again. or maybe even do an overseas internship at ICC or something like that. if i do, then it's work work work for the next 6 months and hopefully i can save up enough for a trip to korea or new york in july.

and if i do manage to pass bar, i would sign up for a gym membership immediately hahaha.

next year will be an amazing year - the wedding bells are already ringing in my ears :) am happy and excited to be a part of the joyous celebration. so it is a resolution for the year 2012 that i will put in as much as effort as i possibly can to ensure that these celebrations will be remembered forever.

on a personal level, i wish to be more patient and forgiving in 2012. I am also determined to swear off swearing. This is a bad habit i have gotten myself into over my years in law school. the english language may not be the most beautiful language on earth but it sure has an expansive vocabulary. to say what the hell every time i feel exasperated isn't doing justice to the other adjectives i could use to express myself. I also plan to pick up french and hopefully travel France one day - not just to Paris, which i love, but also to Nice, Metz and so many other beautiful places.

Well i digress here because i initially wanted to do Italy. even before eat pray love, it was a dream to visit Italy one day - Venice, Rome, Naples, Florence... there are so many places to visit in Italy - not to mention incidentally my favorite kind of food is pasta of any kind. I do love opera and i would love the opportunity to learn more about it. But after a few podcast lessons in Italian, i realize i didn't love it half as much as French. when i was in switzerland, i would happily chirp "merci" to everyone i meet - the sales guy, the cashier at migro, or the lady who sells sandwiches at the train station. in Gary Bell's class, i would melt every time he spoke in french. i love it!

i used to think i would like cooking but after the christmas dinner, i honestly begged to differ - you know why moms never really want to eat the dinners they have cooked? it's because cooking is incredibly, out of your mind, tiring. we did pork chops for christmas and boy was i tired after all that fuss. between cooking and eating, i would really very much prefer the latter. it's a little disappointing to know i'm not half as domesticated as i would desire myself to be - i mean it is a dream to open my own cafe and serve my own awesome muffins and pasta one day, but this is simply not meant to be. i don't have food acumen, if there's such a thing. i don't have the patience either. so i guess, cooking is out of the picture. i'm better off doing something else hahahaa.

so 2012, i'm not going to try to master cooking - instead, i want be the master of my tastebuds. i have the worst tastebuds - in my dictionary, there is no other adjectives to describe food except maybe delicious and edible. i can't tell the difference between a good pasta and a superb one - they just both taste good to me! so in 2012, i want to refine my sense of taste and learn to appreciate food better.

and so here are my master plans for 2012. happy 2012 everyone! it's going to be a great year i know it!

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

2011-12-25T22:34:00.001+08:00

Merry merry Christmas! Here's to a fabulous 2011 and a even better 2012 (end of the world somemore)!

This year has been a fruitful one. The stress and pressure of part b has taught me new things about myself. My family has seen some new additions. I've grown more confident of myself and i have learn to trust myself. I've made some great friends and continued to keep a strong hold on those who matter. Great wonderful things have happened to those dear to me. I've gone overseas four times and had a hell of a great time at every continent. My life is incredibly blessed - not everything is going my way of course and there are still times when memories haunt me and make me doubt myself. But I shall embrace these weaknesses and encourage myself to grow stronger everyday!

Many thanks to the people who have filled my life with laughter and love. Happy new year!

Poncho fun

2011-12-17T21:24:00.003+08:00

All these pictures were taken by bridget and stolen off facebook :) feeling rather happy looking at them because the trip to USS was such a blast. was super tired by the end of it (had to pay the sleep debt by sleeping my saturday away) but it was so worth it. we took all the scary rides (and thought of morbid stories while queueing up), we ate a mega pizza and basically ran about waving our ponchos like we were a couple of rockstars. the highlight has got to be taking the transformers and kungfu panda photo above - we were super excited after having thought of the poses. after which we lament that this is probably the reason why we were never popular with boys - we are really not girls.

These friends are perhaps the best thing law school ever gave me, aside from the deep cynicism that now runs through my veins but yes i have digress - i love my girs! hahaha. am happy to have gotten to know bridget and her bunch of wonderful friends in the final year of law school - bad karma aside (heh heh), they are really the funniest and most sincere people in law school aside from the ones i already bagged as friends (heh heh).

i love theme parks in general so feeling blessed to have visited two this week! the new transformers ride is awesome. i had lower expectations for it - afterall its a stimulation ride so how real can it be right? but noooo it was actually pretty exciting. took the galatica ride which was pretty exciting too! really hoping that the harry potter theme park plan will go through. am a total kid for saying this but i love theme parks!

HK Trip in pictures

2011-12-17T01:11:00.001+08:00

harbor view from the hotel room

this feels like London.

bak choy and man.

the toy lens was really fun to play around with initially but it took me too long to focus a shot so i switched back to my pancake lens for the rest of the trip.

NOMS! love ru wei in hk!

Ocean Park.

so happy to meet the pandas for the first time.

xoxo!

tim ho wan - which is so yummy!

on the way to lantau island - which actually turned out to be a true highlight in the trip.

took a cable car to the giant buddha

yum cha for breakfast

mongkok snack

resting our legs at gelare

rooftop chilling in Lan Kwai Fong.

gratitude

2011-12-09T23:53:00.001+08:00

My first polariod - and hopefully, the last exams of my life.

It is with much gratitude and love i end off what i hope are the last exams of my life - though i must say this is one of the worst exams i have ever taken or performed. which is strange but let's not go into the semantics of things. ended off my last day of exams with lunch at old airport road, karaoke with the girls, dinner at 313 and a long chit chat session at cold stone. thankful and happy to have these friends.

may this be the start of the rest of my life.

Nothing gold can stay

2011-12-08T01:54:00.001+08:00

Almost nothing has gone my way for this part b exams.

Haven't felt this unsure about my exams in a long time. Now praying that i can at the very least get a conditional pass rather than a merciless fail (which would mean i have to retake the entire course all over again).

Feeling defeated because i've studied so hard, but somehow, hadn't had an easy ride. life, in general, hasn't been easy lately. i need to get a grip of myself and pushed myself further and harder. it's time to reflect deeply about myself.

It ends tonight.

2011-12-03T00:21:00.001+08:00

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
It's too late to fight,
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

The emo song to wrap up an awful corporate paper. It's time for bed. See you in the morning before the sunrise ;)

hush now close your eyes

2011-11-11T20:30:00.001+08:00

Jian Ming says i have a fixed type - as in a fixed type of girl i always find incredulously attractive.

Like most girls, I do girl-watching way more often than i so much as glance at a guy. today was the same old. was sitting at Starbucks doing arbitration notes (which i MUST finish by tonight) when she came to sit at the table opposite us. she has long and wavy brown hair - not those huge luscious curls, but small, wavy ones - which she tied into a neat ponytail. porcelain skin, huge eyes, completed with a storybook in her left hand. a simple black leather watch. velvet red nails. a simple bracelet, a tiny ring. an outwear with a quirky print, with a simple black dress inside.

The exact antithesis of me.

Denim shorts and a black tank. oversized nude blazers and a large tumbler of toffee nut latte. my hair was busy, my fringe pushed behind my ears. the trace of blue ink on the side of my last finger. hair short like a primary school toddler. my skin tanned, my happy tummy (full from the laksa from cosy corner) resting in between. sigh. such is life.

as usual, with the exams fast approaching, i've began planning my three weeks holiday.

a month from now this very time i'll be at hong kong! i will hunt down the most amazing dim sum and wantan noodles, source for thrift buys and visit a flea market. hoping to also visit Genting this holidays. its been eons since i last went Genting so i'm actually pretty excited. maybe we could plan a trip to the strawberry farm even. hehe.

on the rest of the days i will travel singapore and take photographs - no more excuses to be lazy and spend my afternoons playing sims 3 at home because this will be the last holiday of my life. period. i will meet up with all my friends, make them go amazing coffee joints with me (this will thwart my plans to avoid douchy coffee joints at all costs but whatever. its my last holiday, i'm allowed to be douchy about it). ah, i simply can't wait for the holidays to come!

jagger

2011-11-10T18:58:00.001+08:00

I absolutely detest the feeling of stitches in my mouth.

It's been a busy couple of weeks. last week marked the end of the part b course. revision lectures were in order (had the most wonderful thai food you can find at circular road for lunch but got caught in the rain so ended up running in the rain with the girls ha!) and so was dad's operation. really looking forward to a better life for my dad - with the operation now done, he would be able to walk for much longer distances without feeling the usual heart-piercing pain. he had imagined for himself trips to thailand with his old friends, or just travel up to penang to get a taste of some adventure. now that his daughters have all grown so old, it's about time he is allowed to enjoy his retirement.

So when dad was discharged, i arranged for my own minor operation and got my wisdom tooth removed. it was a brutal but gentle and kind process. the dentist was amazing - no swelling, no bruises on my cheeks and they even had christmas songs playing on a headphone for me - and the trip was pleasant, though slightly unnerving because the cheerful christmas carols couldn't drown out the sound of my wisdom tooth being drilled and cracked. with this extra dose of wisdom removed, let's hope the trajectory of my life would be an upward soar from this point on.

spent the past few days just mugging and mugging for the upcoming part b examinations. i feel more relaxed than usual because this is after all just a pass-fail examinations (and Walter Woon most sheepishly, promised at the inauguration ceremony that the aim of the course is to educate, not scare and fail). the topics are also coming together quite well. nevertheless, the next few weeks will be tough - let's hope my toffee nut addiction will serve me well. once it's over however, i have about three weeks to go for a short trip. currently planning a hk trip with jian ming. as usual, immensely thankful that he is doing all the planning alone again this time. i know it can be such a hassle to go through lists of hotel options and flight permutations so i am grateful. I'm quite excited for the trip because it's been a while since i've been to hk. and dim sum is after all my favorite type of food. daily runs during exam period are a must this time, in preparation of letting loose my inner food monster soon!

Taken from the Thought Catalogue

2011-11-10T18:32:00.001+08:00

The Quarter-Life Anti-CrisisNOV. 9, 2011 By SAFA JINJE

The countdown has begun. Five days until I turn 25; until I become a full-fledged adult, who can rent a car (well, could, if I had a license). That’s 120 hours until I have to start thinking about properly decorating my house (which isn’t, in deed, mine). Five fleeting days until I reach that troubled milestone, a new, not-so-shiny quarter of a life.

The funny thing about the assumption that 25 is a threshold into quarter-life is that it’s only true if you live to be 100, and really, who wants that? Besides, 25 is middle aged in some places — Uganda, Ethiopia, and my own broken home-nation of Somalia to name a few. But whichever way I slice it, a good chunk of my life is gone.

I’m already old enough to remember my youth, when waiting for the weekend felt like a lifetime. And now time slips through my fingers, refusing to be contained. A day in relation to all the days I’ve lived is about 1/9125, whereas for a nine-year-old it is something like 1/3285. Time is literally accelerating and I have no choice but to hold on for dear, dear life.

I’ve spent the last 17 months thinking about what kind of adult I want to become, but now I’m reaching the conclusion that becoming is continuous, and at my precious age, in a constant state of flux.

We don’t ever stop. Each action — big and small — defines us, until we die. This is likely why I’ve always had an issue with the hypothesis that life is a path. So, we are all collectively hiking along, and aging is this awful trajectory that begins with first steps and first words and a world full of infinite possibilities and imagination; that is until we no longer experience definitive firsts and we stop looking and seeing and enter into a monotony of milestones — graduations, quarter-lives, marriages, promotions, etceteras — that mark our trail. And then — poof! — we’re old and senile, reverting to baby-like tendencies: helplessness, incoherence, and diaper-cradled-bottoms. Turns out the path is more like a circle, and nothing like what I imagined I’d look forward to.

My fascination with Borges has led me to adopt the following theory: life is a labyrinth, multiple paths, many possibilities, and not all of them have to end in diapers. This narrative of life as a labyrinth is also a great defense for failure, since dilemmas and difficulties are the only certainty in life. And the realization of success is unrelenting, because once you get it the work doesn’t stop. The legendary labyrinths of Greek mythology were built with such cunning that often, there was no way out. Which is fine with me. I’d rather not live to see the ending. I want to persist in the middle of the story — which isn’t, of course, the same as being trapped in the middle, where life is in a perpetual stasis: nothing ever happens; nothing is ever accomplished.

Birthdays should be fun. They should be a time to reflect on a year lived; but instead we dread the innumerable unknowns to come. We blow out candles and hoard wishes for a better future, all the while succumbing to societal pressures on how our perfect-little-futures should play out. I’ve read so many “woe is me” articles about how life is just so goddamn hard for us milennials. We’ve been taught to believe that we are all so special and smart; but once we emerge from our safe little bubbles we are shocked to discover that our dreams still hover away in the distance. And yet the last time I checked we weren’t being conscripted into endless wars and having to march for our right to equal opportunities. Today we march for something much less definitive — that life is unfair for the 99 percent. We are united in our suffering in a way that just seems so purposeless.

I can’t help but recall the sentiments of anti-optimism in Voltaire’s satire Candide: we must cultivate our garden. We can’t stop the world’s suffering or bring peace to the Middle East, but what we can do is nurture our potential, and maybe then we can create something that will better the world. We are actually lucky in this sense, because despite the so-called crappy hand we’ve been dealt, technology has afforded us countless tools to create our own success. I don’t need to be published to be a writer — although that would be nice — all I need is a pen and paper and a stream of coherent thoughts that I can later post on my blog. So all this misdirected animosity has actually allowed me to appreciate that I’m right “on track” — minus a few professional hiccups — to becoming a “proper” adult. I may not be where I thought I’d be at this “juncture” — and some days the feeling that I can’t escape my circumstances does overwhelm me — but instead of drowning in fervent fear because I’m not living my life according to some prescribed notion of “success,” I’m doing what I love: I’m writing, hand to mouth, pen to paper.

The middle is a story in itself, with many beginnings and endings. Twenty-five isn’t just a quarter life, it’s a commemoration of living. So when I blow out my candles this week I won’t be wishing for anything; instead I will be thinking up a storm of ideas to make the next year the best ever.

Soft hues

2011-10-30T23:43:00.001+08:00

A few things i am obsessed with lately:

Rings, bracelets and detail shots.

colorful modern art pieces, leopard prints and high heels.

soft light.

round coffee tables and stacks of books.

flowers and books about fashion.

arranging my books in color themes.

I've started listening to christmas songs on my iPhone! I love Christmas!

clap!

2011-10-28T12:14:00.003+08:00

I am seriously contemplating making a trip to people's park and going for an old school massage. my arms are killing me. my shoulders are tensed. this is the aftermath of typing out a contract from scratch.

but at least the corporate assignment is over and i'm more than relieved. unfortunately, i had barely a few minutes to breath before i stumble, head first, into mugging. spent the afternoon at new starbucks doing criminal appeals - which i declare is the most confusing chapter in criminal litigation. the slides are arranged differently from the reference materials and the reference materials don't cover half the content. but the good news is i had my toffee nut drink with me. so happy that the christmas drinks are back at starbucks - they do make me look forward to the year-end.

4 weeks and my long and winding journey through law school will finally end. cheers!

One day in the Park

2011-10-21T14:16:00.003+08:00

And so we brought Starlight to the botanics. as you can see, she looks like a chihuahua because of a bad trim. Had a mini picnic with home-made tuna (by Jian Ming), pizza hut pizzas and drumlets, and a CLEO. If i have kids, i'll make it a point to bring them out to picnics every weekend - i'll make them hummus, pitas, lemonade, and all that awesome stuff when I have a kitchen with an oven and a blender (and old enough to know where they sell chickpeas. actually, as an afterthought, i'm sure they sell chickpeas at NTUC but i'm just too lazy to find out). i'll even have foldable lounge chairs. the atmosphere at the garden was fantastic - the Singapore Chinese Orchestra was there to perform for the weekend crowds, people were queueing up for hotdogs at Casa Verde (i think but i'm a little too lazy to check). there were babies everywhere and they all tried to touch Starlight but of course she wouldn't let them. she growled mercilessly at every one who would come so much as a metre of us. so we decided to cut the picnic short and head off first. Starlight has a problem with interacting with other dogs and people. i need to up my dosage of the dog whisperer hahahaa.

but it was nice - as you can see, the weather was terrific. it rained in the morning so the air was fresh and the wind was cool. amazing what the sun and the outdoors can do to lift your spirits!

I think it's about safe to say i've quit moping around! feeling rather upbeat recently. I took the weekend off to make a game plan. sounds silly i know but i feel better now that i've taken time to do up a list of goals and plans on how to make my life work. of course this meant i had less time to work on my assignments but it was worth it. sometimes, we all get so caught up with work that we don't take some time off to keep stock of our lives. i've been so busy that i've been forgetting and misplacing all my things. i definitely feel better now that a plan and a schedule is in place.

was quite productive today :) am very pleased with self. mugging at the airport tonight! fight on!

These aren't fighting words, dear

2011-10-12T09:55:00.000+08:00

Taken from The New York Times.

LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.

So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.

But I wasn’t buying it.

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?”

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”

“Stop saying that!”

Well, he didn’t move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual six o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

MY trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not — it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out, and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.

Laura A. Munson is a writer who lives in Whitefish, Mont.

Dear 23 year old me

2011-10-05T23:51:00.002+08:00

Dear 23 year old me,

It's true - the years do pass faster when you're in your twenties. And the strangest thing is that this knowledge will only creep up on you on the weirdest most random of all moments - like mid-sentence in a conversation with your mom or while you're listening to usher on the train to work.

That said, I'm glad I'm not nineteen anymore. I remember having this conversation with someone - about how i wish i could turn back time and be young again - and that someone (whom i'm not too sure who at this time) replied that he or she would be horrified if that were to happen. We all reminisce about the old times, we crack the same insider jokes every now and then, but really, there is hardly anything in the past that i wish to relive.

A while back, i deleted an old friend off Facebook. I said I did it because I was upset that we were no longer as close as before. I said i did it because it hurts to know that what was a great friendship back then had drifted apart and varnished. I lied. It did hurt to know that the friendship was gone and that we couldn't go back to who we were back then, and for what it was worth, it was a good friendship which i still cherish to this day. Also, he was fast becoming someone whose values and perspectives were vastly different from mine. What he find funny was most of the time offensive to me. And while i appreciate his candor, i can't quite agree that the lack of censorship is a sign of friendship rather than disrespect. To say we are friends will be strenuous at best.

But that wasn't why i deleted him off my Facebook. to be honest, there are tonnes of people like in my Facebook - people who have been relegated to a peripheral sort of role in my life although they may at one time be extremely important to me. The real reason why i deleted him off was because he was like a constant reminder of my past. He stood for everything i now detest with fervor - my lack of maturity when i was younger, my obsession with unrealistic expectations and my inability to cope with my emotions. I know all the right answers to these unfounded concerns - who i was before isn't who i am today, hence there is really no need to punish myself for the mistakes i've committed in the past. how else could one have learnt, right?

But no. i tried again and again. I thought if we were friends ago, then maybe some of that ill feelings will go away. but every time i face him, it's like i'm 19 again. You know how songs always bring you back to certain memories. for example, listening to M2M brings me back to my primary school days. seeing him is a little like that - it's as if the years never pass. it's not as dramatic as i make it to sound, of course. More often than not, i feel nothing when i talk to him. he's like an old friend and sometimes we even have great conversations. but then there were the times, as few as they may be, when it really gets me.

And so one day, I finally deleted him off my Facebook. this act itself reeks of my childhood, but i guess, growing up doesn't necessary mean that you'll never make mistakes. sometimes, that bit of you stays. but being older means that i can now recognize these pitfalls and avoid them at all cost.

Did it make me feel better?

Well, nope.

Deleting him off facebook wouldn't make me feel better because the person who is reminding me of all those mistakes i've made before isn't him - it's me. I have been tormenting myself, overcompensating even, for all the mistakes i've made in the past. Even with him out of the picture, i never once let myself go. These moments often come when i least expect - i could talking to a friend about relationship woes and i'll remind myself of what a terrible person i used to be. i could be mid-sentence in a rant to a friend when i'll suddenly tell myself to quit it because i don't want the other party to think that i'm weak.

The person who stood for everything i detest with fervor was myself.

So this birthday, I have only one wish - and that is for me to truly forgive myself. to truly understand that the past is not determinative of the future. and that i deserve so much in my life, than to be chained to the mistakes i've made in the past. this year, i wish to be me.

all iz well.

2011-10-05T20:49:00.001+08:00

Having a bit of trouble learning to operate Aperture 3. But enjoying it thus far.

Had a good break during the weekends and today but it is time to return to the alma mater and mug mug mug. such is the life of a part b student.

nah i'm joking. well i am heading back to NUS to print out my thick stack of muggers, but life as a part b student actually sort of rocks. while most of my friends have stumbled head first into working life, i had the benefit of a buffer period of six months during which i pretend to work by donning on pretty working clothes when seriously, all i have been doing is actually what i did for the past 4 years - mug. nonetheless, it's tough adjusting to different expectations. I am loving the fact that i'm taking less and less time to finish an assignment. i've been cranky but the well-deserved break definitely loosen some of the tensed muscles. i can't wait to start mugging again!

Part b also gave me an opportunity to make more friends - i have never spoke to alywin more than erm once during law school and suddenly we're whatsapping nonsense and sharing some of the woes (and tutorials) of part b. despite how much shit we've been given during this ordeal, i'm definitely thankful for having the opportunity to meet and befriend these amazing people.

Things to remember

2011-09-28T12:10:00.003+08:00

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Teresa

Today is my bitch.

2011-09-14T13:34:00.001+08:00

I was just surfing through some tweets the other day when I noticed something singer Sara Bareilles tweeted - "today i'm not gonna do anything. today is my bitch".

Today is my bitch.

And so this has become something like a motto for me lately. i'm taking it out of context here but i think it actually embodies, in a strange way, what i need to do about my life. i need to start taking charge of my life. i need to make every single day my bitch - in the sense that i need to achieve the most out of every waking hour. I don't know if you ever had one of those days when life seems to pass you by. You're moving through the motions but you're not feeling it - it's like you're almost just watching your life unfold in front of a tv screen. I'm been having too many of such days lately. I simply haven't been able to command control of my life.

But no don't get me wrong - being passive doesn't mean i'm not doing anything - in fact, my days are packed to the brim. perhaps this is one of the reason why i feel so lost. for example, i'm doing my tutorials but i'm just doing them - i'm not owning it, simply because i don't have enough time for it. i have about a gazillon other tutorials piling up behind me. furthermore, i get very distracted so easily. i can't even hold a thought for more than a couple of minutes because there is just SO many things going through my mind every single minute. i feel like an hyperactive kid who is just moving all the time but doing nothing particularly constructive. i would be thinking about the arbitration assignment when suddenly a thought about the real estate tutorial will strike me and a millisecond later, i'll be fretting about my submissions for a no case to answer in criminal litigation. it's almost as if my life has taken over me, rather me holding on to the reins of my life.

So, today is my bitch.

I am going to own today. I'm gonna own the arbitration assignment, gonna own the real estate tutorial (own the freaking interview too!) and own every single aspect of my life. i am going to master my thoughts, calm myself down and stop feeling so anxious zipping through the days or the days are going to slip right through my fingers unknowingly. Today is my bitch and she's going do exactly what i say.

Things i should remember.

2011-09-14T12:36:00.000+08:00

Here are the things reallyworth caring about in your 20s.

Editor's note: This week, we're taking a look at some of the "Best of RELEVANTMagazine.com" from 2010. This article is our most read ever. Period. End of story. It clearly hit many of you (and us) right where you're at—approaching, at, or just past your late 20s, trying to figure out what it's all meant and where you go from here. Most of you really resonated with Shauna's thoughts, though some of you had quibbles with some of her emphases. But read it over again, and chime in below. The year might be almost over, but the conversation can keep going.

When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.

Job

Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country, or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.

When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

Relationships

Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

Counseling

Twenty-five is also a great time to start counseling, if you haven’t already, and it might be a good round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Church

Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

Don't get stuck

This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

The love was lost - but now I found it.

2011-09-10T11:08:00.002+08:00

Soba with my sisters

noms!

and night safari to end off the day.

Had a self-declared holiday on friday since admiralty was shifted to wednesday. had brunch with seetal wy and alywin - and it was so nice to just stroll along the beach after a hearty nasi lemak. Then i headed to town for some shopping with my sister - eventually ended up at h&m and got myself a new pair of red flats heh. ended the night with a trip to the safari! got the deals online as er jie has never been to the night safari hahaha. it was fun!

was reading the thought catalog and i especially liked this particular paragraph from a recent article. the context is irrelevant but the author said something to this effect - that if growing up means doing things that you know will eat you up from inside, then call me peter (insert vulgarity of your choice) pan. maturity isn't an euphemism for having the "courage" 'to do things that you know will hurt you. growing up is about identifying the pitfalls and making sure that you avoid them. it's about looking before you leap, and then tying your leg to a tree if you know you would leap anyway. it's like what Emmy once said, years back - that there is no need to put yourself in the position where you know your faith will be tested. being older doesn't mean you can necessary fight temptation. but being older means that you are capable of recognizing the temptation and then avoid the situation when you would be confronted by it.

it's not about not eating the poisonous apple. it's about seeing the poisonous apple, knowing that the witch has it and then making a point to avoid the witch. confronting the witch face to face doesn't prove anything.

just an epiphany of the day hahaha!

my head is stuck in the clouds

2011-09-08T10:06:00.001+08:00

The dog whisperer is awesome.

That said, hola to the new midweek! this week has been an absolute terrible one for me - first, my laptop screen got cracked (which broke my heart into smithereens). next, admiralty lecture got shifted last minute so i had to rush through my criminal tutorial during a real estate lecture. and i had to deleted a certain someone off my Facebook because i was eventually going to drive myself crazy trying to over-compensate for things (as with so many things in my life!). but like what i told everyone, the best thing about a bad week is that it almost feels like a fresh beginning. i felt as if my karma scoreboard has been wiped clean and my life is on a fresh new page again. put differently, well, the best thing about a bad week is that it is simply only going to get better!

i am awfully optimistic about such things. i hate to repeat myself but seriously, the authors of men are from mars and women are from venus were right to the extent that we ladies are seriously like a plate of meatball pasta. it took just one aspect of my life to go wrong before my self esteem, confidence and the likes went haywire. on the other hand, it also took just one aspect of my life to go right before everything starts falling into place.

in other news, there are about a gazillion deadlines piling up for me. but nonetheless, i managed to sneak some time with my friends here and there. last night after tutorial, i catch up with my friends over freshness burgers, then headed to town for a quick snoop around new look, f21 and... H&M! hahaha i'm obsessed with h&m shoes because they are the most basic and most comfortable things i've ever slipped my soles into. i am so going to stock up on my h&m flats, seeing that what was sold out in paris and switzerland is now happily stocked up in singapore!

so i guess this just goes to show how quickly people can adapt. or maybe not so quickly since i was grumbling about the work load just last week. but things are finally (albeit a little late) settling in for me. i no longer feel the flutter of anxiety when a new assignment gets served to me fresh and hot from the internet server. i've learnt to draft things in a flash and do multiple things on the go - like serve my memorandum of appearance to my opponent while on the train with 3G.

well, next week looks daunting already but whatever.

sweet disposition

2011-09-05T10:35:00.003+08:00

Won't stop til it's over

won't stop til you surrender

and so the computer cluster of law school prepares itself for the last two weeks of its term. didn't realize how much difference the cc has made in my life til last night when i realized that the cc has brought so many friends to me. still remember my first interview, mugging at the cc, having lot rant sessions there, or just dancing with sarah (along rihanah's disturbia somemore) when we were too stressed. or going for french food one random afternoon and coming back to the cc with a bottle of white wine. or the many many late nights at that warm enclave, mugging my guts out. aww. am sad to see this place go.

but it was nice seeing my seniors meet my juniors. khai, kalyn and Yax all came despite their busy schedules ("wah going home to draft a statement of claim." "eh, i got a letter of advice to draft also."). to be honest, i never thought they would turn up or that i'll actually ever see them again. but it was really good to.

and it is with much gratitude, love and joy that i declare this to be the end of the journey of the cc! we are still the coolest people in law school! heh.

i love you like in a song

2011-09-01T00:43:00.004+08:00

turtle soup at lavender food square. i needed an extra dosage of convincing from jm that these turtles are 1) not endangered and 2) farm reared. but this turtle soup is seriously full of slurps. so awesomely rich in flavor and the turtle meat was tender but chewy. noms!

mugging at starbucks a little before suppering at lavender. happy because i just completed my case for defense for CPCM. feeling rather proud of my work. but am going to refine it further. going to squeeze some time tomorrow to head to the national lib and do a little research on the arbitration assignment.

Jm is planning his trip to taiwan. i've placed an order for 5 boxes of mei li ri ji masks and tai yan bing. hehe.

Kovan chai chee prawn mee. it is an eternal dilemma trying to choose between the soup or dry versions of this dish. i can never make up my mind properly. i personally favor dry ones (somehow the soup tastes more concentrated that way) but i always succumb to the soup versions for fear of gaining weight. sigh.

managed to get a couple of things done today which i'm rather proud of. part b is still rather tricky. impeding deadlines have never been a friend of mine but i'm warming up to the scheme of things. i sort of just want to bury myself in my notes and start mugging for once. like really absorb what i'm learning. i'm not very clever and i know it myself. while most of my classmates can remember what was discussed during lectures, i need to go through the information several times before it sticks. so i can't help but feel like i'm adrift lately. hopefully, now that september is here, the deadlines will slowly come to an end and i can begin the mugging in october.

derick: pass fail only! don't be so stressed!

Tell Tommy

2011-08-31T00:25:00.003+08:00

Visited Jian Ming's family on Hari Raya and Starlight was in such a good mood, we had a mini photo shoot with her.

and those are clearly my boyfriend's hairy legs.

I can hardly call my cranky self a phase anymore - it's more like a perpetual state of existence for me recently. I half want to get a grip of myself and half want to just throw my hands up to surrender. I feel like i'm stumbling my way through part b. i'm not sure how much i'm learning and how much of what i actually learnt will be practical in the future. but like what my learned friends put it, this is a necessary evil. Plus, this is a pass/fail course. i should be like derick and learn to cut myself some slack. Just enjoy this last stretch of freedom while I can.

After all, I did managed to finish the civil litigation tutorial yesterday though my case for defense is still hanging in mid-air. nobody really knows what the case for defense entails so at least i'm not alone. I am also close to finishing real estate. I'm going to focus on getting my arbitration tutorial done tomorrow and finishing up the much cursed cpcm stage 2 assignment. after which i can then launch myself fully into my arbitration assignment.

Thankfully, amidst all the chaos, i still managed to catch up with the lawr peeps on monday. listening to peiyi's experience at israel gave me new insights to the israeli/palestinian conflict. as usual, i'm extremely proud of her as a friend. we then teased seetal a little about her new found kindness. hehe. but underneath all the teasing, i'm really happy for my friend and am really glad to see her so happy today. it's like we all came a long way together and we're all finally home.

a ferrari 308

2011-08-28T13:49:00.004+08:00

catching up over ramen with Kang and Bridget. as usual, much laughter, love and joy ensues. i am always thankful that despite my flaws, there are friends who accept them all and love me for the way i am.

Sunday afternoon and da jie was making the family baked portobello mushrooms, topped with cheese and honey baked ham. quick, easy and very delicious. except never wash your portobello mushrooms as they tend to soak up way too much moisture and end up leaking, which really diminished the rich flavors of the mushrooms. but damn portobello mushrooms are really delicious. and amazingly filling. not to mention diet friendly. maybe i should buy a couple of these and make them on days when i have late classes.

the cheddar melts beautifully.

and this is what the mushrooms look like naked!

An awesome weekend through and through despite the deadlines that are coming up. there is my case for defense due next week, real estate and arbitration assignment. not to mention civil litigation tutorial and arbitration tutorial next week as well. the public holiday would definitely come in handy, especially i decided to give myself a little treat on saturday and went out shopping with the girls. the flea was slightly disappointing because the basement area was sealed for the sk8er bois but we caught two glimpses of the L&B's model who was literally drop dead gorgeous. she was wearing something like a bathroom robe but with a face and a figure like that, who cares what you wear?

which really is the most talked about topic for me recently. how pretty people sort of expect privileges to fall in their laps. even the not so pretty ones (though i must admit, law school ruined my standards a little because some of our girls are really amazing). i know how important looks are. but no matter how important they are, they are at best temporary. no matter how pretty you are, your looks would eventually fade with time. there are some things that even a botox cannot cure. and when that happens, there will be nothing left to mask the ugliness of your soul.

sigh.

anyway, looking forward to the public holiday, celebrating D's birthday tomorrow and the last (or second last hahaha) cc gathering at sooky's place. this would be a week of new beginnings (for the president of singapore) and many endings.

extreme and dynamic

2011-08-26T12:16:00.001+08:00

testing out the new toy lens.

i just know it - it's going to be an awesome weekend for me!

2011-08-24T09:23:00.003+08:00

Today, I am humbled by something my daddy said.

In my father i see the the beauty of graciousness and his magnanimous heart.

ranting.

2011-08-24T08:40:00.003+08:00

I intensely hate conflicts.

I hate being a part of a conflict, i hate seeing a conflict, i hate being affected by a conflict, i hate stirring up conflict, i hate people who stir up conflict, i hate conflicts i really hate them.

i hate them most of all because they wastes my time. because i cannot live to a hundred years old and because i only have 24 hours a day i don't want to waste even a fraction of a second being boggled up by conflicts. if they can be resolved, please resolve them. if they cannot be, then leave it and move on. i hate conflicts because when they happen, i can't do anything else. i'll sit around and stew over the conflict for ages because it's so hard to think about anything else but the conflict when it happens.

i want my days to be filled with happiness. i want to hold your hands every time i see you and i want to smile every second of my life. i want to spend every weekend shopping with my sisters, dining with my friends, laughing and joking with all my might. i want to talk about the frivolous things, the mundane things, i want to talk about handsome waiters and karma-reducing gossips. i want to share stories, i want to hear them. i want to spend my days prancing from one end of the day to the other, delirious with joy. i want to be so incredibly blessed that i no longer worry, that i no longer fret nor would i ever wander. this is how i want my life to be.

he left no time to regret.

2011-08-22T22:09:00.019+08:00

I'm in a shopping sort of mood tonight, so i shall be frivolous and indulge in some window shopping and list down a couple of things i would get in a heartbeat if i have all the money in the world. in no particular order:

1. Hermes silk scarf - nothing like a big square scarf that is so incredibly exotic. everything about this scarf screams playfulness, elegance and style all together. i'm imagining it on white satin blouse with brown pants. and a sloughy clutch.

2. House of harlow necklace - i know how common this necklace is becoming but i love it nonetheless. seeing so many people with it just convinces me further that it is extremely versatile.

3. A lanvin black dress. period.

4. Asymmetrical lanvin red dress. beautiful or what. classy or what. stylish or what. elegant or what. the color is a bold statement but the cut and material of the dress is surprisingly airy. love the contrast. this dress reminds me of one of those eternal rules of style - it's either your legs or your boobs but never both. unless of course, you want to have a husband (according to Urban, the only way you can bag a man is to dress like a slut all the time).

5. Christian Louboutins. i don't care if they lost the suit against YSL - those red soles will always have a spot in my heart. even if these heels make me taller than the rest of the human population. picture taken from wendy's lookbook because i love her!

6. Chloe's bags are the epitome of simplicity meets style. will never forget that beautifully cut leather bag from chloe i spotted at orchard road. those neat edges. the clean leather in just the most perfect shade of dark brown. an understated gold buckle in the front. i'll be one of those well-travelled girls if i have that bag. i'll wear it with boyfriend jeans and a simple white pocket shirt and i will most definitely have a dslr sling over my neck as i capture the wonders of the world.

7. Honestly in my opinion the perfect work bag. nothing can top this. it's edgy but chic, it's stylish but practical, it's bold but versatile. you can bring it to work or pair it with jeans on a weekend. and it's so roomy for basically everything a girl needs in her working bag.

8. will never forget the intake of breath from all of us when we behold the beautiful ring from YSL on charlotte's finger. hahaha! a ring like this adds class instantly to anybody and any outfit.

9. despite what i said about louboutins, YSL does, as a matter of fact, have rather beautiful shoes. the perfect pair of weekend wooden heels. i'm having one of those shoes phase recently. cannot get enough of shopping for shoes. cannot imagine what will happen once i receive my pay hahaha

10. Finally, the 2.55. while the classic is, well, classic, the 2.55 has a certain edge to it. it doesn't say dainty like a classic. it's telling you that this girl has beauty, but a whole lot of brains too. she's pretty but she also has an attitude. she's stylish but she doesn't chase trends. she's cool but she can warm up to you if she wants to. i love the classic too, no doubt, but the 2.55 has an edginess to it that i like.

hahahaha this blog entry is actually pretty fun. online window shopping is such a stress-reliver hehe. of course there's so much in the world still to shop - like beso beso accessories, which i am convinced, after numerous chiselle's blog entries, are truly must-have pieces. or prada bags - which are starting to grow on me. hahaha well this is fun! now I can finally go back to civ pro!

Updates from the resolution

2011-08-17T10:50:00.004+08:00

Summer has come and gone. we're all used to making resolutions but it's time to keep tabs.

1. Read three books - Dreams of Joy by Lisa See, State of Wonder by Ann Patchett, The Kid by Sapphire.

2. Do Europe planning - be very precise and detailed. copy and paste google maps and street view.

3. Volunteer at least twice - check out sgcares.com regularly.

4. Write a short story or a composition.

5. Lose 5 kilos.

6. Attempt to master the art of persuasion or negotiation by reading a book on it

7. Read a self-enrichment book in a different field of my life - e.g. the likes of the 4 hour work week.

1. I actually didn't manage to read any of those three books although i did complete Lisa See's Snow Flower and the Secret Fan (going to be made a movie by Wendi the tiger wife), and Peony in Love. i also finished When God was a Rabbit. so while i did not technically fulfill this, i did managed to read 3 books. which is an achievement of sorts. ha!

2. DONE. and proud of it.

3. I did attend a volunteer's briefing with Food from the heart but it turns out that without a car, it is pretty difficult for us to take part. but Kang and i signed up to be packers in their monthly sessions!

4. Unchecked. and ashamed. was reading "Love in the time of Cholera" which da joe borrowed and felt really ashamed of my command of the english language. to quote my tutor, a lawyer's vocabulary should always be sharp. but before i can actually write something, it be best i improve my grammar first. so resolution of the month is to complete reading at least 3 books.

5. D:

6. Unchecked but getting to it - aim of the week is to borrow "getting past no".

7. I guess re-reading i am gifted so am you does not count. so i'm just going to hang my head in shame. resolving to do this in the birthday month.

I have to draft a legal opinion today (big sigh there) and preferably finish reading through the 2 stacks of corporate readings (59 pages of solid law no less). all in all a relatively slack day in comparison to what i have been doing for the past week so i rest my case.

but a little conversation that cheered me yesterday.

Mr Ho: Hmm shuli i'm going to try and spend more time with you this week. i shall cancel my meeting with the boys on thursday and keep you company ok?

me: why?

Mr Ho: i don't know. i just feel like it's my fault that you've been feeling so moody.

me: !! why would you think this way? it's really because i'm just exasperated and frustrated with part b.

Mr Ho: hmm well it doesn't matter. i just want to make you happier.

PS:

signs of me spending too much time in front of my laptop. i've peeled the cuticle of nearly all my nails. this one is the current victim. was bleeding since two days ago and i'm still peeling it today. as if i don't know what is the meaning of pain. the cuticles on my thumbs are all like gone already. gross but something i tend to do when i'm thinking. hehe.

It's quite clear from the replay.

2011-08-15T20:19:00.004+08:00

Dinner with jianming

Feeling slightly overwhelmed by the amount of work to do - it's manageable. it's not like i'm dying or anything. part b has just been very tedious. it's one assignment after another. take last saturday for example. after a full day of advocacy training, i went back home only to start working on my real estate assignment. the work is not difficult it's just tedious. and after i'm done with real estate assignment, there's the tutorial on tuesday. and drafting assignment due on thursday. and corporate tutorial on friday. and tutorials pretty much every single day of next week. i can't even begin to imagine what this weekend is going to look like.

but i'm way too tired to continue. been sleeping at 1am and waking up 7am every day for the past week. i am exhausted. shall do real estate tutorial in the morning (i'm nearly done anyway) and then research a bit on the drafting assignment. shall take wednesday to complete it (and send in my draft for FMS) and thursday to complete my corporate tutorial and real estate assignment. and then the weekend comes and i shall pretend that i'm another person living another life while i am watching scent of a woman.

"I'm an adult already. I'm wearing adult clothes."

"Whatever."

PS: Just completed my reply to the letter of demand. guess defendants really have an easier job but tada! i am a monster! time for bed finally!

PSS:

As a matter of fact, the waters around Singapore are home to quite a number of dangerous marine creatures.

funniest thing i have read in a while. sigh law can be such fun.

I know who i want to take me home tonight

2011-08-11T10:05:00.009+08:00

Life in pictures recently.

Peri peri chicken with Da jie

Midnight snacks with Jian Ming

Awesome bedok 85 bcm

chance meeting with the smurfs

yummy japanese curry rice from itacho and an expensive bill

Rainy mornings.

meeting up with my funniest friends

home-made laksa for the win!

Kevin's birthday celebration at vanilla bar and cafe was awesome. and it kind of rocks that we sort of own the place (since joan, the boss, is a close friend). everyone had fun i think. the birthday boys were so drunk. even jian ming was drunk hahaha but everyone was so nice to me. it sort of reminded me of a conversation i had with my sister like eons ago about how we should treat the other halves of our friends. hehe

Long day yesterday but finished off with a buffet (D: yes) at fisherman's market with jianming because he's been dying to try it out ever since he read about it on yahoo. the night was still young - i simply had to head to harry's for a little cocktail. spent the night talking about our closed friends and laughing about the silly things we both do.

Recently hooked on "closing time" by semi sonic. been feeling a little cranky lately. mostly, i feel exasperated and frustrated about part b. but today, i am feeling strangely fine. and at peace with the world today. it's time to open all the doors and let myself out into the world.

recap

2011-07-24T23:25:00.003+08:00

I haven't been blogging much lately.

Not because i have given up talking to myself. mainly because i have no laptops and whenever i use the desktop, civilizations v always manages to distract me. plus, life has been rather smooth sailing lately.

1. Part b started two weeks ago. i can't say i like it very much - i know i know, Alphis tagged us all in this supposedly genuine and earnest note about how the organization too needs to work within many constraints. I know about constraints. I've worked within them before. but i think what we need is a little more respect and patience here.

so all in all, part b is a lot of self-studying. got to work doubly hard i guess...

2. But the friends are awesome. my family is awesome. my boyfriend is awesome. even my boyfriend's dog is awesome. so i've been feeling pretty upbeat lately. that and of course my awesome macbook air. am so happy that i finally have a laptop again! hehe. also started working out again - which is rather addictive and definitely helps me feel more alert (despite the killer muscle aches). i think i have the potential to be a workaholic - i feel quite driven by the amount of work i need to do.

3. Catching up with old friends is wonderful - headed to Hosted on the Patio with Sarah that day. had the best squid ink pasta ever. then we met up again on saturday to check out the fleas. made so many guilty buys i've decided to stop shopping until i have my paycheck. i think Sarah and I are incredibly similar in many ways. for one, we both look tougher than we really are. i can really see the two of us meeting up even when we start working, gossiping about the latest chloe bag or how we can cope with the immense work load. this is really the best takeaway from cc

that said, cc is closing down in sam 2 next academic year. inevitable but somewhat depressing nonetheless.

ok i should get back to editing the report. shall wake up early tomorrow to complete my case theory too. maybe i should lay my hands on a copy of modern advocacy soon...

2011-07-23T23:35:00.003+08:00

This was my Friday.

I went California fitness as early as 930. I gymmed for a bit, did a Latin class followed by a Zumba class. Then I headed to the supreme court for class, ate a tiny roll along the way. The lecture was about real estate law. Between breaks I dashed for a subway. At night I met jm for dinner (but I skipped it), visited his new place where I read dramabeans.

I am becoming superwoman. Yes I'm a go getter!!!

Hopeful

2011-05-28T19:23:00.004+08:00

The first question that popped into my head after i watched the movie? How come Bollywood artists NEVER AGE? Aamir Khan, one of the three leads and main character of the movie, is FORTY SIX years old. and still, he looks perfectly like a college kid. it's amazing.

I only watched this because iweekly told me to. A major box office hit in India in 2009, this movie broke all records in Bollywood. the plot is simple enough - three boys ended up at roommates in a college in India and became friends. Against this idyllic backdrop, the movie discusses issues such as the education system in India. I did not know this before the movie but India has the highest suicide rates in the world and recent studies suggest about 40 percent are adolescents. At least 125 people aged 29 years or below are committing suicide every day and 51 per cent of the total suicide victims are graduates, college students or younger. In the movie, a rejected classmate hung himself shortly after the movie began, and the words "I quit" were written on his wall using a black marker. this scene was eerily similar to a 2008 incident. "I quit" read the cit lying on the deceased's bed.

in Singapore, life as a student is tough. but life as a student in India is tougher. one of the most populated country in the world, a typical teenager in India faces tremendous stress to excel or face poverty. parents have given their children nothing more than a one-way ticket - if they fail, death was their only reprieve. whatever successes they have achieved in other areas are never recognised.

every 90 minutes, an Indian teenager is taking his life. but stress from exams is only one of the many culprits transforming India into the suicide capital of the world. copycat deaths are equally prevalent as many teens sees suicide as a glamorous way to obtain the attention that is severely lacking in their lives. the 21st century parents also dote on their children too much. this results in a distorted sense of entitlement in these children. many of them think that they can achieve anything and feel extremely frustrated when they don't obtain instant gratification.

What can we do to change this situation?

I remember an afternoon, while in the states, and i was just daydreaming. and then i looked to the sky and thought to myself, how great it is that i am alive. how fantastic it is that i could breathe. and just how amazing life can be. Life is beautiful (which, incidentally is the name of an anti-suicide campaign in India) and how can we make sure that our young ones will appreciate that?

Be the change you want to be. -Ghandi

Waiting, waiting for the world to change. - John Mayer.

reflection.

2011-05-24T12:32:00.002+08:00

Heaved a heeavy sack of like 8 thick books home yesterday (along with some stuff for salad and some of the sourvenirs etc). Shall master photography this summer. must finish planning paris and fribourg by tonight. jungfrau should be easy. picking up our swiss passes today. and paying for bar today. and doing something different tomorrow. and getting the feeling that my life is changing with every second.

i was watching Beyonce's Run The World (Girls) music video this morning when i wondered if i could do that - run the world, on my own. i joke about having a restart button on the tip of my nose all the time, but the truth is, skeletons in the closet prevents me from becoming a better and braver person every single day. yes yes i know that life throws you the tests before you learn the lessons, and yes i know a person only matures and grow through mistakes. but the shame, oh the shame, of my past makes my confidence quiver. my steps are uncertain, my voice is hoarse.

how do those people do it? how did they grace through life effortlessly? how come they never stumbled, faltered, or slipped?

burn my old demons. it's time to realise that my life is changing. always.

a meaningful life

2011-05-21T20:33:00.007+08:00

I've taken to googling major questions of life recently. It started a while back when i was suffering from a short fuse. i googled "how to tolerate stupid people" and the results were unexpectedly helpful. and nope, they didn't teach me how to tolerate stupid people - instead, netizens point out that people who feel this way are too arrogant and likely to suffer from the Dunning-Kreuger effect, where really you are the stupid one and the way to feel superior over others would be to think that they are more stupid than you. well, it's not that simple - because stupidity is essentially a feature in every one of us. it depends ultimately on your area of expertise.

well, just to digress, here are Cipolla's five fundamental laws of stupidity:

1.Always and inevitably each of us underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.

2.The probability that a given person is stupid is independent of any other characteristic possessed by that person.

3.A person is stupid if they cause damage to another person or group of people without experiencing personal gain, or even worse causing damage to themselves in the process.

4.Non-stupid people always underestimate the harmful potential of stupid people; they constantly forget that at any time anywhere, and in any circumstance, dealing with or associating themselves with stupid individuals invariably constitutes a costly error.

5.A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person there is.

I don't know about you but i found that pretty interesting. and since, i've been googling everything that bothers me. today i googled - how to have a meaningful life. and here's what wikipedia told me:

Historically the study of meaningfulness in life has taken three routes. Victor
Frankl's work emphasized finding value in an individual's life in order to
attain meaningfulness (Feldman & Snyder, 2005). "Value" would be further
subcategorized into three main areas: creative, experiential, and attitudinal.
Creative values are reached through acts of creating or producing something.
Experiential values are actualized when a person experiences something through
sight, touch, smell, or hearing. Finally, attitudinal values are reserved for
individuals who cannot, for one reason or another, have new experiences or
create new things. Thus they find meaning through adopting a new attitude that
allows "suffering with dignity". For all of these classes of values, it is
because of one's sense of responsibility that one pursues these values and
consequently experiences a meaningful life. It is through the realization that
one is the sole being responsible for rendering life meaningful that values are
actualized and life becomes meaningful (Feldman & Snyder, 2005).

Ernest Becker studied meaningfulness and its relationship to culture.
According to Becker (1962) a human's consciousness makes them aware of their own
mortality. In order to deal with their inevitable death, humans attempt to leave
their mark in some symbolic act of immortality within the structured society,
otherwise known as "Terror Management Theory". The structure created through
society and culture provides humans with a sense of order. Through the
structured society we are able to create a symbolic immortality which can take
various forms, e.g., monuments, theatrical productions, children, etc. Culture's
order reduces death anxiety as it allows the individual to live up to the
societal standards and in living up to such ideals; one is given self-esteem
which counterbalances the mortal anxiety (Feldman & Snyder, 2005).

Finally, Snyder (2005) examined the previous theories and
operationalized meaningfulness as having more to do with self-control that leads
to higher self-esteem. As one lives by societal standards of living, one
exercises self-control and it is through this self-control that higher
self-esteem is achieved. Meaning is found when one realizes that one is capable
and able to effectively achieve their goals through successful management.
Furthermore, Snyder specified control as: "a cognitive model whereby people
strive to comprehend the contingencies in their lives so as to attain desired
outcomes and avoid undesirable ones" (Snyder & Feldman 2005). From this
feeling of control, meaningfulness is achieved when one feels able to
effectively live his/her life and achieve goals.

Currently, the meaningfulness theory postulates that meaningfulness is a subjective evaluation of how meaningful one's life is for that person (Stillman et al., 2009).

Furthermore, meaningfulness is actualized through positive functioning,
satisfaction with life, the enjoyment of work, happiness, positive affect and
hope. Meaningfulness can also be translated into physical health and a
generalized well-being (Stillman et al., 2009). Baumeister (1991) posits that
meaningfulness is found through four needs for meaning: sense of purpose,
efficacy, value and a sense of positive self-worth.

A study done by Stillman et al. (2009) found that social exclusion results in a perceived loss of meaningfulness in life. Furthermore the four needs for meaning (sense of purpose, efficacy, value and sense of positive self-worth) were found to be
mediators in the perception of meaningfulness of life. When an individual thinks
himself to be socially excluded, one's sense of purpose, efficacy, value, and
self-worth are all indirectly diminished (Stillman et al., 2009).

A meaningful life is associated with positive functioning in four main areas: life
satisfaction, enjoyment of work, happiness, general positive affect, hope and in
general a higher level of well-being (Stillman et al., 2009).

While there are benefits to making meaning out of life, there is still not one definitive way in which one can establish such a meaning. Those who were successful in creating a meaningful life enjoyed benefits such as higher levels of positive affect, life satisfaction, etc. (Stillman et al., 2009). When faced with a stressful life situation, finding meaning is shown to help adjustment (Davis et al., 1998). Meaningfulness in life is intrinsically related to positive psychology's goal to expand the good life for the normal non-disordered person. It is with a meaningful life that one is able to find connections to people, places, things and leave a mark on society, it renders a good life a meaningful one.

And in light of these, i've noted down a couple of things i must acomplish this summer to make my life a meaningful one.

1. Read three books - Dreams of Joy by Lisa See, State of Wonder by Ann Patchett, The Kid by Sapphire.

2. Do Europe planning - be very precise and detailed. copy and paste google maps and street view.

3. Volunteer at least twice - check out sgcares.com regularly.

4. Write a short story or a composition.

5. Lose 5 kilos.

6. Attempt to master the art of persuasion or negotiation by reading a book on it

7. Read a self-enrichment book in a different field of my life - e.g. the likes of the 4 hour work week.

Tada!

Photo update

2011-05-20T09:23:00.003+08:00

2011-05-07T15:35:00.001+08:00

The ego is a dangerous thing. Beware the fate of Icarus, the boy who tried to conquer the Sun.

Photo update

2011-05-07T14:45:00.002+08:00

Learning. every day.

2011-05-06T01:47:00.004+08:00

tonight, i had a sobering experience.

I think i've been really lucky. i've had the good fortune to be surrounded by people who are genuinely kind and who have cared for me in more ways than i truly deserve. My sisters are the best ones - even when they disagree with me, they've always done so lightly and with only the kindest intentions. my friends are the sweetest ones - to be honest, i can be such a bitch sometimes but they never told me off. they tolerated me for all my arrogance because for some reasons i cannot fathom now, these people actually do care for me. My boyfriend takes all the shit from me - seriously. yet he always gives in - again and again - if we disagree, he lets me "win".

maybe it's the law education. i've been taught over the past four years that i must argue my way to a win. in a typical hypothetical question in the examination, i must defend a party. i would list down a million arguments he could potentially make, then list down another list of rebuttals he can make if the opposing side comes up with an argument, and then another list of counter-counter arguments if the opposing counsel has a counter argument. i've spent the last four years arguing that i am right and that somebody else, i.e. the judge, must affirm my judgment before my job is done.

or maybe it was a difficult breakup two years back. i was told that i was too emotional, too irrational and way too illogical for anybody to have a lasting and sustaining relationship with me. these were my flaws and i tried to change them. but somehow, somewhere along the way, i got lost. instead of gaining wisdom, i became someone who is best defined by the Dunning-kreuger effect. i became arrogant. and when the person i was debating with felt hurt by the manner which i was mercilessly shooting down his arguments, i dismissed the person as being emotional or stupid. sometimes, simply weak.

tonight, or this morning, cooling day finally began. as i was sparring with an old friend who lives in Aljunied why his views that PAP is humble and has repent is wrong, i crossed the line between being opinionated and being quite simply a complete arse. the friend flipped. he told me this, with no mincing, "umm. ok. you know what, to hell with this. I don't really want to talk to you. Fuck that ok?"

instincitvely i wanted to defend myself. i tried, but my efforts were at best strenuous. i leaned back and started to cry.

for the first time, i cried for myself. it's not self pity, which i regularly indulge in when i was younger (or maybe now! hahaha). it's not because i hated my friend and that i was hurt by him (although it stung) but i cried for myself because i was ashamed of the person i've become. i cried because i could barely recognise myself in the words i've written. i cried because i can recall a million other incidents where people around me have tried to tell me that i'm too argumentative or brash or harsh for my own good but i've all but dismissed them with a wave of my hand. i cried because i failed to give to another person the basic respect - the most fundamental courtesy that a person ought to give to another.

yet at this time, i still have friends who tried to shelter me from the fall. after bawling for a while, i wrote a fb msg to a friend whom i was harsh to recently as well. he and his girlfriend, two of the sweetest and nicest people i know, replied me immediately and told me not to worry. their kindness is what i certainly did not deserve. they told me to each his own and they didn't mind that i voiced my thoughts. they told me my language was mild compared to others (but they were really just being too kind to me because i seriously sounded like a bitch). they accepted my apologies immediately. another friend, whom i confided in after this sobering experience, told me that having conviction for what i believe in is a good virtue. as my regular sparring partner, this old friend told me he never once got offended me. maybe my skin too thick, he joked, but his kindness is not lost on me.

i am so blessed i cannot believe it. Prutnam Singh tonight said something that relates immensely to this blog entry - he called for Singaporeans to be civil, to elevate our politics to a higher level. In the book the Art of Controversy, the German author, a famous debator of his time, wrote tongue in cheek that the last weapon anyone has in a debate is to throw personal insults. i may have shy from directly insulting a person, but the words i use, which reeks of arrogance, are nothing short of a personal insult. this is true ignorance - i am truly ignorant. and i am humbled tonight. at least, that's one good thing this GE taught me.

To open my mind.

Pain.

2011-04-19T08:22:00.001+08:00

東日本大震災で、南三陸町志津川高校から見た津波の様子をデジカメで撮影いたしました。最後の方で、畑を逃げている人たちは全員助かっています。

追記
9.11テロの際には、報道の流す映像によってPTSDの症状が出た方がいたようです。このようなショッキングな映像を見続けることは心の健康にプラスにはなりません。ご注意ください。
私自身この津波で家を流され、飼っていた猫も失いました。あまりこの動画を見たいとは思いませんので、散々迷った挙句アップロードいたしました。
これを見ることが被災者の気持ちを理解することにつながるとは思いませんが、何が起きてどんな感じだったのかを誰かに知ってもらいたいと思って公開してしまいました。

Benefit. of a. Doubt.

2011-04-13T06:36:00.003+08:00

In light of my recent experiences, i've adopted a grateful attitude to all things in life. flowing from this are objectives such as not to make other people's lives difficult, to be forgiving, to know that i am blessed in various and numerous ways and the likes. Chanced upon an old friend's facebook status while taking a break from mugging. She had just arrived from Japan a few weeks ago but is now in London. Her status was something to the effect of - one month after the quake, you finally realised who are the ones who really care and who are the people who just wanted to be a part of it.

why be so cynical? If i were her, i'll be grateful that I'm still alive. I'll be grateful that those friends, whom she claims just wanted to be a part of it, actually still remembered that I was in Japan and had bothered to search for my profile over facebook and had made the effort to write on my wall to ask if i'm ok. if i were her, i wouldn't even care for such superficial things now - i read in iweekly (oops) this week an article about Sharon Aw. She arrived from Japan a few weeks ago and has officially begun her 6 years bond with Mediacorp. When asked if she wanted to get married, she said her opinions about life in general has changed tremendously after the quake. it was if the tides have washed her old self away. the things that had mattered so much before the quake seemed so small now. she has lost all of her stubbornness. she is only grateful.

Even in Singapore, where i am miles away from this unfolding tragedy, i feel the shame of being lucky and understood how incredibly blessed i am. After all that happened, i realise that in life, we should alway give people the benefit of the doubt - and trust in humanity. i look at my friend and wonder why she of all people, she who escaped from the quake without so much of a scratch, could sit around and expect shower of sympathy instead of being thankful that people still care? if i were in Japan instead, would she have even remembered or bothered to write on my wall?

Be thankful for what you have. and sometimes, learn not to ask for too much.

Knowingly and willingly

2011-04-09T10:12:00.008+08:00

I was describing a friend's girlfriend to Jian Ming and Kang the other day. context was how pretty that girlfriend is. Jian Ming begged to differ - "pretty but not like super pretty" he said. i told him what wasbeautiful about her is not merely skin-deep. in the short encounter i had with her, she was an unusually warm and kind person. she exudes a self-confidence that is not overwhelmingly arrogant - she was graceful, gentle and her eyes had the twinkle to them that make you smile with her. but these adjectives hardly do her justice. it was then that i dawned on the word to best describe her.

she was exceedingly "contended". while the rest of us are scavenging to stay alive or trying our best to swim ashore, there she was, standing on the deck of a beautiful ship, her poise unmistaken and breath-taking. she had dropped out of the fight altogether - she didn't need to do the scheming or the fighting. there was no fatigue from merely trying to stay afloat. because of this, she was a genuinely kind and wonderful person - selfless even. there was no ulterior motive, no evil intention, or second thoughts that flash across her mind. that ship she was on may not last forever. but for this moment, i rejoice in her beauty and her aura and that unmistaken faith and hope that there is only good things in this world for her.

ok on a completely separate note, yesterday was the LAST CLASS OF MY LIFE. phenomenal huh? i came to school and that thought didn't even cross my mind until i was halfway through the botanics garden. i spent the rest of the journey cackling to myself. i was delirious with happiness. nah i don't have that pinch of sadness i had when i graduated from secondary sch or hwachong. not that i didn't have any fun in law school of course, because i did. but generally, i'm glad to be done with my education. studying is fun but i've been doing it for the past 2 decades. it's high time we need a change in here.

that said, i'll be working for the next 4 decades at the least so this really is no comfort. but whatever, i'll bother myself with the intricacy of the situation when i hit the mid life crisis.

You must open your heart

2011-04-02T15:44:00.005+08:00

Today, I said a really awful thing about a friend.

Its weird how words sound a lot less terrible in your head, until they escape through your lips. well, technically i typed it out but nonetheless, I didn't think twice before sending the message out. when it was done, i looked at myself and felt like a witch. I used to have a fiery temper (think sec 2 and the chinese recitation competition hiak!) but much of me has mellow down over the years. well i still get upset and angry over things like the susan lim saga but i haven't well, dislike anybody intensely for a long time. even with all the drama that happened in the states, i wasn't so much as angry than sad. The context is my friend has...well, sort of double-crossed me I guess. I was furious about it, and til this day, the mere mention of the incident makes my blood boil.

for someone who preaches forgiveness, i sure wasn't very forgiving to her.

but the last straw that broke the camel's back came this morning. i was talking to jian ming and somehow the topic resurfaced. My wrath knew no bounds and i was saying terrible things about the friend and the atrocity of her betrayal unless my harsh, merciless words hit me squarely in the face. how could i ever say that of somebody? whatever she wants to do with her life is solely her business and her business alone. who am i to judge and who am i to think i could go around interfering in other people's affairs?

the thing is - there is a difference between concern and sheer nosiness. the former is reserved for people who would actually appreciate them - in this respect, the..mens rea (ha!) of the receiver of the "concern" is extremely important. my friend isn't a bad person - i've known her for years i can vouch for her good-naturedness. unfortunately, what i did was completely unnecessary and most importantly, unwanted. i was being nosy - not concerned. hence, I had no right to be mad at her for what she did. when the person at the receiving end can't care less about what i've said, what i should have done was to keep my mouth zipped.

and hence, like emmy said, this is a lesson learnt. letting go of my anger isn't easy but prayers can help, support from my sisters and friends can help and most importantly, the fact that i am eager to let it go would give it a tremendous boast.

Throw your soul through every open door

2011-03-30T15:44:00.003+08:00

There's a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch

It's bringing me out the dark

Finally i can see you crystal clear

Go ahead and sell me out

And I'll lay your shit bare.

See how I leave with every piece of you.

Don't underestimate the things I will do.

The scars of your love

Remind me of us.

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all.

The scars of your love

They leave me breathless

I can't help feeling

We could have had it all

Rolling in the deep.

You had my heart and soul

And you played it

To the beat.

But you played it.

We are golden.

2011-03-29T16:32:00.002+08:00

Like it or not, i've recently come down to the conclusion that my life is pretty pathetic.

I was mugging in the cc (as per usual) when Rich burst through the doors the other day and announced that i study way too much. while i beg to differ, because the quality of the work i do is so-so, i have to agree with him on this one. one a typical day, i attend classes, mug and then rotate between 1) eating with jian ming then going to the airport to study somemore, 2) staying at home to have dinner and study somemore or 3) staying at home to have dinner, study somemore, then meet jian ming for supper and then study somemore at the airport. It is official - i have a pathetic life.

It's not like i'm not trying to live it large like my mom who attends line dancing parties. I told myself repeatedly to loosen up and have fun for the last semester of my life but i'm essentially a..i wouldn't call myself a workaholic because i really am not. i'm just someone who does pay attention to my work. i hate going to classes without any idea what is going on and i do get a kick out of finishing my notes and binding them. i have a list i adhere to strictly and there is a sense of accomplishment as i tick off the items i've completed for the day. so i don't know what am i but whatever it is, i have a deep sense of responsibility to my work. so while i do have a few good weeks here and there, i often go back to mugging again.

i wonder how the rest of law school does it. i read in the new york times that facebook causes depression and i have to agree. these people have everything - the brains, the looks, the money, and the life. and in stark contrast, there is me. i could already feel the claws of depression on my shoulder. of course, self-pity is the last emotion i want to have - it is useless, pointless and worthless. and i do have an uncanny ability to see the bright side in everything (put differently, i am also easily satisfied by the small things in life like dim sum) so it's not often that i feel defeated by life in general. but now and then, this annoying feeling comes creeping up to me. it's not like i'm complaining about my background or anything (Tin Pei Ling grew up in a family like mine and is PAP's youngest candidate) but i hope you get my drift. sometimes, even though i know i have many things, i also do wish i have everything too.

now how did i digress? anyway, so i'm a month away from exams. hopefully, my sad pathetic life will come to an end soon! say hello to two months of travelling in two vastly different parts of the world. I also aim to do as much volunteer work as i can in these two months. chin up babe! :)

For the first time.

2011-03-24T12:44:00.003+08:00

"Trying to make it work, but man, these times are hard."

Never give up. Never stop. Never quit. Never run. Never surrender. Never despair. Never learn. Never cry. Never stop fighting. Never be lost. Never escape. Never lose. Never close your eyes. Never watch the sunrise. Never count your blessings. Never wish on a star. Never be blind. Never stare. Never fall. Never falter. Never fade.

Never say never.

"Is this God's test, because we're doing our best"

stop and stare

2011-03-23T16:04:00.004+08:00

Just two days after writing papers continuously for a month, and i'm back before the laptop, typing away. my shoulders are hurting like mad. i've been putting on salonpas and yokoyoko nearly everyday now. i can't wait for exams to be over so i can flee from my laptop for good.

I think i have mentioned this before but recently, i've grown increasingly judgmental. i think that makes me a difficult person to live with. and with my realisation came a frantic process of jotting down resolutions to stop being so. i do understand that unless we stand in the shoes of others, it is often really difficult for us to really understand the different considerations he or she had to weigh. so while it may seem oh-so-clear to an outsider, it may not be that easy for the first person to make the call. hence, i promised myself that i would try to be less harsh towards people and give them the benefit of the doubt.

but unfortunately, i haven't been following my resolution lately. so here's a reminder to myself - keep an open mind.

On other news, i havent had time to sit down and enjoy music recently. and this opportunity was presented to me under rather surprisingly circumstances. was catching "World Invasion" (worst movie ever) last night and we arrived at the cinema too early. so we sat down and started playing words with friends (hiak!) and the theatre was blasting a couple very good songs. the moment was nice. i snuggled comfortably into my seat, was attempting to think of a good word and i was humming along to the songs. so were a couple of teenagers behind us. i've never felt so at ease in such a long time! music is amazing!

time to continue working! :)

You need to come home.

2011-03-22T08:02:00.017+08:00

You make me sad.

You make me remember the tears I've cried during the months abroad. You make me wish that you hadn't said those lies and let me discover them. You make me depressed that the friendship i once treasured with all my might was broken. You make me remember that time when Jian ming drove me to the carpark while you were all away just so I could cry. You make me remember the mornings when I stir and the first thing I do was to rush into the bathroom and turn on the shower so no one would hear me while I sob. You make me remember the time at chicken chalet when I broke down. You make me remember how everyone didn't want to do anything with you anymore but I was the one who cared. You make me remember the rumours you've spread and the friends who now hate me because of these rumours. You make me remember that i didn't want to confront them because i didn't want them to hate you too. You make me remember that I felt sorry when that happened and how I wanted to reach out and let you know it's ok. You make me remember that I didn't. You make me remember how i brought you along the summer trip of our lives because i wanted you to be a part of mine. But I can't be reminded anymore because most of it, you make me remember that things are never before again and how I do wish they weren't so.

leave flowers, not fines.

2011-03-21T16:59:00.003+08:00

My crazy paper writing month is finally over! spent a total of 3 weeks on the maritime research paper (a heavy 5k words! without footnotes!) and a week on the insurance paper (3.5k! without footnotes!) I am so relieved. that said, it is exactly 6 weeks until my exams. i feel like a koala bear (koala bears lives entirely on poisonous eucalpt leaves. which explains why their movement etc is extremely slow because their bodies are working real hard to remove the toxins they have happily ingested).

Sent Er Jie (and coincidentally sarah too! what an awesome surprise) off to switzerland on friday. I am uber proud of how brave my sister is :) when i left for the states, i had the company of four other friends (and a truckload of singaporeans), but even then, there were times when i felt lonely and regretted even leaving home. This time, she is leaving for a land whose tongues she doesn't speak alone. That takes an enormous amount of courage. for that, i am really proud that she has taken the leap of faith. Respect!

Which reminds me that i should start doing research for our hotels in Paris or my sister is going to murder me. was just randomly browsing Emily's pictures on facebook earlier and felt guilty that I have an amazing camera but have yet to take it out. she has a nex 5, and she has researched so much on lenses, and her pictures - yes behold, her pictures are beautiful. her pictures have stories. that's the amazing bit. i have so many friends who loves to shoot but beneath the vivid colours, the perfect zoom and the correct aperture, many of their pictures are emotionless. they are merely pretty. but her pictures. i can't even begin to describe how emotional every single one of them are. the begger on the street with the caption "waiting for the world to change". flowers left on the windscreen of a vintage car. her eaten strawberries. the workers in a spartan office. her pictures are human. sometimes, they aren't perfect. but they speak to you. they tell you a tale. man, her pictures are a real gem.

aim this holiday: to really pick up photography and take good, and i mean good and not just pretty, pictures in europe. i want to put my soul into it. i want to ponder about my subjects. i want to discover a new facet in things i pass everyday.

time to research for paris!

PrayforJapan.

2011-03-16T11:59:00.002+08:00

Every morning i stir awake, the first thing i do lately is to go on twitter to check the latest updates on the tragedy currently unfolding in Japan. It was a beautiful country, filled with the most gentle and kind people I've ever met in my life. I remember my experience in Japan fondly, albeit it being a short one. This may not be the most costly natural disaster in terms of human lives, but the far-reaching impact of radiation cannot be belittled. The future looms darkly before us. I feel a deep sense of sorrow bubbling within me. Most of my friends in Japan are either back, or will be taking the next flight home. They are safe for now. But the amazing people i've met in Japan, who were kind to my sister and I in a land where we couldn't speak a word of their tongue, are in terrible conditions now. My heart goes out to them. No words can describe the pain inside my heart now.

Tragedy

2011-03-12T09:46:00.002+08:00

From New York Times, a reader living in Japan now:

Tokyo people are much more physical then they initially appear. I saw lots of people locking arms and holding hands. Especially women, who were also the first to laugh between the shocks. Businessmen suddenly had helmets on.
The people at Yodobashi Camera, who I always assumed were wage slaves, are actually very dedicated. They helped customers out and held down the goods, and were back on their bullhorns even during the aftershocks.
The Chinese waitresses at the conveyor sushi shop in the underground mall are a lot more tech-savvy then me. They came up with their TV phones tuned to the tsunami in Miyagi, while Japanese were still watching the buildings around.

Can't fight the moonlight

2011-03-09T23:01:00.004+08:00

Second time in greenwood fish market in a week! nomnomnom what a gleeful tummy i have now!

The first time was with Sarah. she's is my best takeaway from working in cc. it's amazing how we dont have a single class or duty slot in common this semester but still managed to keep the friendship going. spent the afternoon talking about boys (heh), bags (givenchy, celine and the likes), our future and europe. the most amazing thing about this girl is her ability to completely not notice just how awesome she is. even though she's a year younger than me, i look up to her because her sheer perseverance, determination, and good-natured personality is so hard to find these days. and most of all, she's really humble about all her successes. there are so many people in this world who don't stop boasting about their "successes" when this girl, who is in the best mooting competition in the world, whom i've seen give her 200% into every aspect of her life be it school or her friends, who is so incredibly talented in every way, doesn't even mention the word "jessup" in her conversations.

the second was with Seetal and Kang to celebrate Kang's birthday! a part of me still cannot believe that we've already spent 4 lengthy years in law school. it's just amazing. we spent the night laughing at the moot court night during law camp (and how freaked out the year 1s were), how it was like meeting everyone for the first time and our adventures in the states. its strange how those three months felt long and short all at the same time. it did cross our minds a few months back to enroll ourselves back into WAT. unfortunately, plc was likely to start in july so work and travel was definitely not an option. but even if it were, we all agreed that those memories couldn't be recreated. in fact, USA wasn't all that glamorous. but the people we went with, and the people we met, made the experience fabulous for us. we thought about jeremy, ricky, edward and betsy, about the time we ran home from our first visit to walmart because it was so cold, crossgates, new york city and watching the proposal in princeton. i've forgotten most of the details and the girls helped me remember how even though Marthas was just a dingy motel, it always felt like home to us.

all in all, a good week through and through!

You must be pleased.

2011-03-08T22:04:00.005+08:00

It always strike me as sheer wonderment why Jian Ming is still my boyfriend two years after we've first met. especially after all that bitching, ranting and bullying.

and so this is one of those occasion i look at the man with amazement. this afternoon, he came to surprise me with a large NTUC bag of ingredients to make beef carbonara (no such thing exists in any menu i assure you. we've realised the hard way that beef should never be mixed with pasta) for his poor girlfriend who has been sloughing away for her research paper. he bought crazy stuff like italian herbs, sliced shiitake mushroom (extra charge for the slicing!) and two big tubs of australian beef (eh eh i not supposed to eat beef at home but i'm sure we're pardoned since he didn't know that).

He practically chased me out of the kitchen the moment i handed him the pots and pans. so i stayed in the room and continued working on the research paper somemore. a while later, he rushed in and announced that the pasta was done!

to be honest, and i think he agrees too, the pasta sucks big time. even someone who is as inept at cooking at me could do a better job. but it's the thought that counts and this afternoon, the thought was monster size. how is it that he can always find the energy to do that extra bit for everyone eludes me. from his girlfriend, to his client (like how he is getting angry now over an agent who advised his friend not to disclose her medical conditions to the underwriters. that's some real irresponsible and crazy bitch stuff) and his friends. this man lets everyone takes advantage of him and isn't even mildly angry at that.

maybe for someone as selfless as him, the two of them wouldn't make a good pair cos they will eternally be bullied and will end up miserable and unfortunate. but in this respect, i think he is honestly perfect for someone as selfish as me. i'm the calculative, impatient, selfish and pompous one. i remember reading that Blake Lively said something to this effect, and i am utterly ashamed of quoting her (but she is quite the darling really), that she doesn't want to date someone who just wants to date her. she only wants to date someone who betters her. and in a shameless declaration, i think he betters me.

You will when you believe.

2011-03-07T23:28:00.000+08:00

The National Geographical affirms the fact that dreams can still come true in this age and time.

In the religion of the insecure, I must be myself, respect my youth.

2011-03-07T22:59:00.003+08:00

Had a few hours to kill before the cc reopens. so i decided to pop by simplybread to have their awesome brunch plate which i am desperately addicted to. which is absolutely stupid since they have tons of other breads to tickle your tastebuds. but there's something about two pieces of perfectly done toasts, two beautiful sunny side up and two slices of utterly delicious honey ham. and a cup of skimmed milk. it made my afternoon perfect.

it's week 8 of the Last Semester of My Life. once i'm done with the conflicts research paper this week, i'll be focusing only on two modules! the thought of that cheered me to no ends. plus, i'll be finishing the exams before everyone else AND will be heading off to bkk, phucket and KL soon after. not to mention the europe trip in June. I'm so excited to graduate!

I'm a rocketsteer.

2011-02-25T12:16:00.003+08:00

Hahahahahaahahahahahaa. gingerbreadman. hahahahahahaaa

Well, the research paper is really starting to resemble a bad case of constipation. i spent the whole morning typing like 300 words. my progress reminds me of the time when i saw 8 snails gathering in a circle outside botanics - it must have taken them like a million years to attend the meeting. i'm sure the agenda includes things like taking over the world (much like pinky and the brain). a snail can dream,

i digressed. decided at 12 that i'm going to give my brain a little break and surfed. realised at 12.21 that it is clearly not working so i've decided to skip on to biomed and insurance after this blog entry. Think i shall devote the weekend catching up on my 8 cred mods and spend maybe monday doing some more research for the paper. i aim to finish the rp by next weekend so my fingers are crossed!

doing something special tonight! i've decided to matchmake two of my friends (from completely separate social groups) hahahaa. he's already working (and doing well), has a fairly decent character (which is hard to ask for these days) and is a faithful little boy. i wonder if the two would hit it off. i have my reservations - sometimes, i think being with Jian Ming so much and the fact that i'm in the final year of my studies, makes me feel older than i really am. i'm perfectly comfortable with talking to people about their work, fussing over where to eat lunch in CBD areas and the likes. i wonder if she would be bored by that. well, we'll see tonight! the boys have went the extra mile by getting us a table in overeasy and a sofa table in butter. clearly, they are out to impress!

He's Not That Into You!

2011-02-25T00:02:00.007+08:00

Having a few stories from my friends and sisters hah, and in the spirit of He's Not That Into You, i've drafted a few general rules of love (also in a bid to wake myself up from the zzz monster currently lurking at the back of my head). remember, these are general rules - which means if you're lucky enough, you fall within the exception. which you likely will not so please forget about it.

1. There is no such thing as a man who loves you more than himself.

I'm not being mean but that's why how the male brain works. in the famous words of Gray (or Grey. names like these confuse me), a man naturally compartmentalizes his life. you think you've left him in the slums and that he'll never get up after this blow, but trust me he will. no matter how important you think you are, the truth is you occupy nothing more than a small square on the waffle call his life. the rest of the squares are still edible so that's fine. sooner or later, someone's gonna come along and repair that burnt portion for him. and soon, he'll be a pretty fine piece of waffle again.

women, in the famous words of Gray/Grey again, are like pasta. when a meatball gets thrown into the plate, the chef must arrange the pasta all over again so that it looks nicely in the middle (and looks yummy again). throw in another one, and he needs to go through this process again. in other words, a woman's life is thrown into disarray when something major happens in her life. ever had a tough day at work and came back home feeling like your family members are extremely irritating? or had an argument with a friend and didn't feel like eating? worse, ever broken up and found your grades slipping? ever lose someone you love and lost your motivation at work? admit it woman, you're just a pasta.

so don't ever harbour the thought that he can never live without you.

2. There is no such thing as a reformed bad boy.

Well, there are the exceptions and we know their names by heart. but reformed bad boys are an endangered species. they are PRECIOUS and FEW in numbers so give up any hopes of finding one in your lifetime. period.

yes. period. he won't quit smoking for you. neither is he going to stop ditching you for his friends. Think you can lure him away from the computer, or drinking sessions with his army buddies? fat hope. well, i must say this is the same for the ladies. ever thought about quitting online shopping just because he told you so? habits are hard to quit and when he has been like this for a good few decades of his life, these habits are now virtually impossible to eradicate. plus, remember rule number one - the boy will never love you more than he loves himself.

3. There is no such thing as a make up after a break up.

It is in a human's basic, natural instinct to want to believe in the brighter side of life, or the good in people. Naturally, we want to think the best of our partner and believe in them when they say they'll change for the better. but remember rules 1 and 2 - and you'll know that is impossible. so when the time comes for you to let go, you must. and when you've done that, move on. don't call him, don't answer his calls and stop hanging out with his friends. don't talk to him if you could and avoid him at all costs.

the temptation to get back into a old (but broken) relationship is tremendous. but if this was a relationship that would have worked out, you guys would never have broken up in the first place. and if you guys did, this only meant that there was an irreparable difference between the the two of you. and nah, he hasn't changed one bit so you can forget about it. the same old arguments will surface. the terrible things you've said to each other will return. a break up is the least pleasant experience anyone can go through. remember the mornings when you woke and felt like you were the ugliest girl on earth. or the times when you were out with your friends, and you caught the sight of someone familiar from the corner of your eye and how your heart stopped, your smile broke and tears threaten to fall? or the endless nights of facebook stalking just so you could find out if he is seeing anyone new? or the tearing up of old photographs, the drunken but sleepless nights? so why do you even risk going through that again? try meeting someone new, widen your social circle and keep an open mind. you'll meet someone better, trust me.

the only exception is when you two haven't met for like ten years since secondary school. one can hardly place a judgment on a person's character based on what he did and said in secondary school.

and well, i shall stop at three because this is quite bimbo blogging, and i'm finally awake. hooray!

whispered heartbreaks

2011-02-20T21:44:00.003+08:00

The final midterm break of my life.

Had a smashing entrance into the week long holiday by talking with the lawr pals deep into the night. always fascinated by the friends i have and the amount of opinions, thoughts and intelligence they have. we discussed property prices, exchanged sadistic chinchillas stories and talked about the law. they gave me so many insights to so many things in life that i treat every one of these chit chat session like a learning experience. the last time we spoke, i thought to me myself that i really should start picking up a finance book and reading it. and the 4 hour work week doesnt not count. this aim is yet unchecked on the list and i should get down to it soon.

but most of all, they were the best things lawr ever gave me. besides the c+ hahahaa.

the good thing is we always meet late into the night, so that leaves me plenty of time in the day to catch up on school work. still have so much to do - the consequences of slacking for the past 6 weeks are really catching up on me. miss the long study sessions jian ming and i used to have at the airport - mugging is easier when you have company. nowadays, i drift from one distraction to another. its time to bring self control back on!

well, here's to another long night of mugging alone! shall tackle biomed and insurance tonight!

It's not about your scars.

2011-02-16T10:08:00.003+08:00

I throw my sandwich at the subway guy, saying HEY OHHH, THERE'S NO MAYOOO

I was just surfing facebook when i came over a conversation between some of my law friends sharing about this artist Banksy. I don't know a lot about art, and although his works have been described to look clever to idiots, I guess i must be an idiot because i found them pretty asesthetically beautiful and intelligent.

been listening too much 52A and Mindy Gledhill recently.

When we go, we don't need roads.

When we stop, nobody knows.

- Far East Movement, Rocketsteer

thursday morning, rain is not falling

2011-02-10T07:11:00.000+08:00

The iphone has become quite the curse of me lately. It's so nice to snuggle up between the sheets and just surf using the tiny monster. I fear that I may have just dropped one notch down the lazy ladder.

Yawn. Week 5. So much work to do but so little idea on how to do them. I love my biomed professors (coolest bunch of people ever) but studying for the mod has proved to be quite challenging. I feel that I'm standing on nothing but fluff. insurance. oh don't even mention it.

i can't believe the cny break just came, and gone. but i'm also glad that it is because now, i have no more excuse for lazing around at home. it's the last semester of my entire academic career. and honestly, i can't wait for it to be over! mugging is fun, i love the flexibility of becoming a student, but recently, this intense need to get up and start going is really burning inside. law school has been fun. i've meet a fair share of wonderful people and i've been treated kindly. but i have enough of this tiny circle. i want to get up and go meet new people. i want to start moving to new places, see new horizons and make new goals. i want to start afresh and yes, i sound exactly like the bright eyed graduate of every generations, but i don't care because yes i'm ready to move on and become an adult.

the future isn't lovely. senior at shooklin went to work 9am on a wednesday and went back home at the same time the next day (and then back to work just a few hours later!). some of the seniors have even quit this early into the pupilage. stories of associates/partners barking down on pupils have finally surfaced (the lovely pictures we've been painted as interns shattered!) but i don't care! because every bit of that is new to me now and hence very exciting.

maybe just a couple of months ago, i would be telling you how much i dread the change and how much i wish i could study forever. indeed, never say never (oh justin bieber!) because tada! your mind can simply turn around in an instant.

i was working in the cc that unfateful day when this epiphany hit me. i looked up and all i saw was this sea of familiar faces and i just thought to myself, "how boring!" i was eternally surrounded by the old news simply resurrected in different backdrops. it was boring. and to be honest, rather suffocating. in some ways, these familiar faces reminded me of the things i did and did not do in my entire four years in law school. this is both comforting and scary and after a while, it's more scary than comforting. i'm tired of regretting. i can't wait to start anew and just do all the things i wanted to but never did.

except this time, i will.

HEY OH!

2011-02-09T23:46:00.000+08:00

and once again, this is my life thus far in pictures.

time to turn back around

2011-01-29T22:44:00.000+08:00

Another rainy night.

I'm not complaining. I love the rain. I love the way it makes me want to carry a trenchcoat to school, or forget to bring an umbrella just so I can run in the rain. It makes a hot chocolate a legitimate choice in an expensive cafe. It makes me want to smile when I spot your face in the crowd. It makes me want to dance along to the pitter..patter...

I love how it makes me feel like I'm in a different country, living perhaps a different identity. Maybe I'm a young Parisian learning the art of making the most perfect espresso in the world. My room would be messy but the black and white photographs of the Eiffel Tower neatly framed on the wall assures you that I was going to be special. I have three cartons of full cream milk in the fridge and you really wanted to ask me why ("For practising! I need to work harder on making that perfect foam" I would reply you) but you didn't because you wanted to be polite. I'll be duck in my perfect bat-wings sweatshirt, and i'll complain how my apartment in the attic really sucks, but i would turn around and sigh.

"But that view of the tower at night - that makes it worth everything." You looked out the window and narrowed your eyes as you try to find the tower. and there it, beautiful but no bigger than your thumb, flashing in the background. you smiled, then laugh and then bend down to kiss me gently on the forehead.

Maybe I'm an intern in a fashion magazine in New York City. Oh i hate the rain because they make it harder to walk in those Louboutins i own but i wasn't going to forsake style for easy. i have at last five outfits in my hands (all Chanel!) and i was rushing from the boutique to my office for a photoshoot. oh the pain of being an intern! i'm always stuck at the end of the work-chain. when it finally proved to be impossible for me to hold the black umbrella (all umbrellas in NYC are black, for some strange reason) and five gowns at the same time, i started searching Manhattan for a decent stopover. my balenciaga would be completely soaked by then. Then, i spotted a coffee place from the corner of my eye, ducked out of the way of a man who would trying to make a run for the traffic lights, and quickened my steps. when i burst through those doors, the aroma of the coffee would greet me like a whirlwind. i felt warm instantly. i dropped my bags at the nearest empty table, looked outside the window and smile because although the work really sucks, although the hours are really tough, and although i was drenched like a fool, i was living my dream. and that was all that matters.

Nice fantasizing. Time to get back to real work!

Rain outside my window pouring down

2011-01-29T21:37:00.000+08:00

Haven't been studying for the past two weeks. which spells bad news for me either way i look at it. i better pull up my socks soon. been feeling way too moody for my good lately. and it certainly doesn't help that i feel so defeated every biomedical class. don't get me wrong - it's extremely interesting. but a part of me just can't embark on fluffy discussions or go on and on about how "I" feel, especially when there is nothing but intuitions backing me up. i would go on and on about my views about "Why Chinese Moms are Superior" (and for the record, i actually think she makes sense. and i also believe, and she also admitted, that some of the stories are exaggerated for effect. money talks) but when should life begin? who should make a decision for PVS patients? i have an inkling but that is hardly enough to write an essay with.

I guess i had a good excuse for why i was so lazy the past two weeks. it's hard to want to study when your classes end at 930pm every other day. but my excuse has come to an end - intensives are over! it's time i should dive head first into my notes.

conflicts of law is so %#$$##^%$ difficult. i have a headache just trying to digest everything. and insurance. oh man, why do i feel so defeated at week 3? and it isn't even because the modules are too tough to handle.

ok, time to start on conflicts' research. and tomorrow, i shall do my biomedical readings. and if Prof Yeo puts up the seminar, i'll do my insurable interest seminar questions as well.

well, school isn't tough. life's tougher.

"Just! Don't! Sleep!"

what i've been up to January 2011

2011-01-23T21:44:00.000+08:00

The precious Soh family reunion - the precious photographs and the precious kinship.

wasting my life away on bimbotic sentiments.

enjoying a cuppa when i need to :)

and always on the mission to find more awesome food.

not to mention (tiring) pilates classes, the nauseating classes and the important moments when i catch myself making the same mistakes again. it's easier to convince yourself that you're perfect "just the way you are" (like bruno mars!) but no no no i'm not going to give up. i'm going to strive harder and harder to kick those bad habits and start afresh for 2011. a better year, a better me.

and i just spent the weekend doing absolutely nothing (except play my 3.80 HK version monopoly deal til the cows come home). need to pull up my socks for the following week!

Read.

2011-01-21T18:14:00.000+08:00

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dont-date-a-girl-who-reads/1/

Reading this reminds me why i told myself to read- because vocabulary is so powerful in so many ways, i need to master it. and reading this reminds me why i used to love to write.

Have your eyes wide open!

2011-01-18T18:12:00.000+08:00

San Francisco, 2010.

Driving test on FIRST MARCH! Pray for me my friends!

I want to remember that look of gleeful surprise when my mother popped open the first fortune cookie of her life :)

beautiful stranger.

2011-01-16T22:38:00.000+08:00

Where do we stand now?

23. Still learning the ways of life and still making mistakes I thought I should have known by now. Wasting time and effort on people or things that no longer matter. Making difficult decisions that aren't so difficult after all. Having everything but lamenting that we have too little.

it was foolish but it was 2009. i cried myself to sleep nearly every night. i never believed in God before that but i prayed so hard every night before i turn into sleepless slumber. i vowed to give up everything just to have my first love back. i cried on planes, i stopped eating, i wrote sappy sad blog entries. i would smile but that smile wouldn't reach my eyes and i would cry but not make a noise. oh, the euphoria of first love. the long talks in hushed voices in a quiet library, laughing at jokes that aren't even funny, and gossiping about people we will never meet again.

2010. a meaningless throwaway comment. a little joke in the car. a little hypocrisy, perhaps, and maybe a little jealousy. and so many apologies to make today. it was a careless night. i didn't mean to chime along and i wasn't thinking when i did. before i knew it, it had become bigger than me. i'm sorry for what it has done and maybe, if you knew, you'll hate me too. and you can because it doesn't matter to me. all i care about is the other person, who is killing herself for this, since.

or 2009. summer. ice cream, love and friendships. the days i spent crying in the shower, wishing for someone to take me away. the last friday or the last night in the carpark, crying against Jian Ming's shoulders, and the quietness of the night.

or 2005. that girl with a ponytail. the 4am calls and the ones 4 days later.

2010. Losing you eternally. finally understanding how impartial death can be. that morning when i woke up almost unnaturally, unexplainably early. or that afternoon, in the living room, when i heard about your passing, and how i thought about my life and how blessed i was, even though i may not have lived life as brilliantly as you did.

"Well, you only grow up through mistakes" Jian Ming says, "and the good stuff may not have happened without the bad ones."

i agree, because now i have you. my family, my friends and my love. and the lessons i've learnt over the years.

2011. this is the beginning of the rest of my life.

do i have a restart button on the tip of my nose?

2011-01-12T19:38:00.001+08:00

"If you don't like who you've become, destroy yourself straightaway.

And restart."

if only i could turn back time.

2011-01-12T15:21:00.000+08:00

Are you in year 1?

Because if you are, i can tell you a few things i wish people had told me when i first entered law school.

Like for example, grades don't matter. it honestly really doesn't. you can study your heads off but be socially awkward and have zero friends and have zero networking done and it wouldn't help even the least bit.

instead, have a little more faith in yourself. because i did not and i refused so many opportunities that i was exposed to as a law student. go for the moot competitions please. do it even if you think you can't moot. do it even if you are afraid.

befriend your professors. we have a great faculty and our professors are amazing but i never tried to know them better and learn from their experiences. and most importantly, no one can tell you how to score in the examinations than the markers themselves.

finally, make a lot of friends. go for the orientation camps even though it means you need to play stupid games. be nice. be a social butterfly. be hypocrite if you can't be nice because in this school, it doesn't make a difference. just make sure you know everyone and that everyone likes you and goes to you for an opinion or tags you in a facebook post even if it were nonsense. it helps, believe me, when you reach the end of the road.

unfortunately for me, i didn't moot. even though i think i would have enjoyed it seeing that there are similarities between debating and mooting. i studied way too hard for my own good and sacrificed so much. i didn't befriend many professors. the best impression i gave was probably a particularly smiley student. and finally, i didn't make a lot of friends.

but the friends i made were wonderful. the grades i've gotten weren't very bad and even though i didn't end up as glamorously as i hope i would, i think i may just end up ok.

graduation forces you to rethink options.

2011-01-10T17:37:00.000+08:00

It's finally the first day of school.

I say finally not because i've been looking forward to it, but after the long night of tossing and turning in bed, i'm glad that the most horrid day of the semester is almost over. the lessons all look pretty promising this semester though - my professors are wonderful so far and they've all been very understanding about the amount of workload an average law student has. which is both refreshing and something i'm absolutely grateful for. as much as i would love to finish all my readings on time, it's sometimes really difficult to do. my insurance professor is as motherly as i remember her to be in company. biomedics is probably the most airy fairy module i've ever done but the fact that it is so medical related really pipes my interest! that said, i really need to read up on the articles etc for that module because it takes so long for me to formulate my own opinions on anything.

spent the afternoon catching up with Vani and we ended up discussing the pros and cons of a lawyer's life in singapore at great lengths. is it really "practical" to simply practise and work like a dog for that "good pay"? i don't think so and i think that anyone who does that is stupid at best. if i work, that is only because i am genuinely interested in it and am personally motivated to do whatever i am asked to. i don't want to spend my days using dollars and cents to measure my self-worth. and i would never ever sacrifice family, my love and my friends for anything in this world. that would just be even more miserable than working past midnight in an empty office.

but the temptation of it is undeniable. to just be lured into this seductive world, to opt for the easy life and drop all your balls, or to simply be caught up in this foolish rat race are all probable outcomes for you and me.

sigh. growing up sucks a little.

good bye 2010

2011-01-09T20:49:00.000+08:00

and hello 2011!

strange how my notion of new beginnings are hugely altered by school. the new year doesn't feel like one when simply another semester has begun. not to mention that it will be, wait for it, my last! the sorrows of this unfortunate event cannot be over-emphasized.

well, here's to a fabulous and fantastic last semester ahead! make the best out of everything i have!

i'll walk to you if i had no other way

2011-01-05T08:54:00.000+08:00

even though we haven't booked the tickets, even though we aren't sure when we would be heading to this lovely place, I'm already super hyped to go! spent the morning clicking away and checking out rented apartments (all thanks to Hanyin) and cheap hotels! I'm so excited!

isn't the world a wonderful, beautiful place? if i could, i would be a wandering traveller forever!

The Empire State of Mind

2011-01-04T13:57:00.000+08:00

this was the exact same bakery the girls and i headed to when we were at nyc, just before arriving at red lobster for our fabulous dinner (the soft and most amazing biscuit, the seafood...yum!)! i miss crumbs cupcakes! and most of all, i miss the city that never sleeps! even though i've had the good fortune to go US twice, i can still never get enough of the amazing country!

Jian Ming has been busy with the funeral for the past few days and reading his texts reminded me of how grandfather passed away last year. i was gongcha-ing with him the other day when he left the funeral for a short break from the work and just talking about my grnadfather made me want to tear again. it's weird how the human heart never gets used to such eternal departures. it's funny how no matter how much time has passed, the pain never really goes away. but most of all, i'm glad it did not. i remember xiao s said this on a taiwanese variety show before, that the living should always remember the dead and that we should do that on a regular basis no matter how painful it might be. because we should never ever forget these people, who have made such an impact on our lives.

i'm still learning

2011-01-04T13:28:00.000+08:00

i chanced upon this quote while reading the magazine the other day. it was a recommendation on a book recently published by a hong kong blogger. he earned fame by acting as a cyber auntie agony, except with a twist. his sense of humour was wicked and he dished out wacky but realistic advice to people who submitted their problems to his blog. he got so popular he eventually landed the book deal and released a compilation of his advices. and this one caught the attention of the magazine editor.

loosely translated, he said something like this

Ever wondered why you always feel like scratching your head when you're
eating crabs? or how you always need the loo whenever you step into the elevator
when you were perfectly fine just seconds ago? this is because bitchiness
(really loosely translated here) is embedded in all our dna.

basically, what he meant was that all of us have this incredulous and terrible tendency to treat ourselves badly. it's kind of like how i always end up going the extra mile pleasing people i know dislike me. chances are these people don't even matter in my life and there is no reason why i should feel this intense urge to make them like me, but i end up doing that all the same. it pretty much explains why we always wind up making bad decisions even though we know they are terrible.

i stopped talking to this friend of mine for the longest time. we have a bitter history, though we used to be great friends. and usually that didn't bother me until suddenly recently, i decided that i should try do something to rekindle the friendship. we weren't enemies before that. we were friends and now and then, we'll chat each other up online and find out how was the other doing. mostly, these conversations were short-lived and polite but it was fine. so why would i decide to kick start the friendship again eludes me but i did.

it ended with me wanting to hide my head in a hole forever. i pretended to be very interested and tried very hard to please. when i failed, i tried even harder and the conversation soon turned awkward and strained. and finally, there was nothing left to talk about.

suddenly, another friend spoke to me. this friend was an old friend and we've always kept in contact. during the holidays, he came back to singapore for easter break and we met up even amidst our crazy schedule. i was tackling exams then and he was back for like a week. but still we made the effort and filled each other with details about our lives. i knew he was back in singapore again and i kind of just put off meeting him cos i thought he would be around for a month or so this time. i was so wrong. he told me he was leaving the very next day.

i felt so guilty. here i was trying to please someone who doesn't even matter in my life and yet, i've forgotten all about the people who mattered instead. i apologised to the awkward acquitance about my annoying behaviour, and confessed that i was trying too hard to rekindle a friendship that is long gone. i was also trying to flaunt how "cool" i was and that was just desperate in all sense of the word. then i spoke to the friend that actually mattered and felt much better.

so the lesson is learnt and i shall never ever made such stupid mistakes again. the next he's back, i'll definitely meet him for coffee and gossip.

If this is worth fighting for.

2011-01-03T22:39:00.000+08:00

How is it possible that some people achieve perfection so easily?

It's almost as if they are born with it. they know what are the right words to say, the right things to do, and the right way to do it immediately. they need not be educated on style, elegance and beauty. and i mean this not just physically, but mentally. they always make the right decisions, they always choose the right path and they always pick the right persons to trust.

one thing i've always hated about myself is my loudness. i laugh loudly, i talk loudly, i complain loudly too. and it's not the sort of loudness that is likeable. my loudness spells impulsiveness, dimwittedness and the lack of sophistication. i know i know eat pray love is one of the stupidest book on earth but i can't help but quote it like a mantra because the selfishness in that book is something people are inevitably attracted to. when Elizabeth Gilbert was in India, she set out on a mission to become the quietest girl in the temple because she has always been the loud and unglamorous girl. i'm practically on this mission all my life. i want to speak slowly, with refinement and taste. i want to be graceful, gentle and warm.

my lack of success with this impossible mission is a disgrace when juxtapose with my friends. how can they be so incredibly funny with poise? how can they be so likeable just by being themselves? how is it that they are so amazing inside and outside? how did they achieve such suaveness so effortlessly? i went clubbing with the girls before i left for the states. we met incredible people there (mbs managers, pub owners and air stewards!), we talked about their work and got invited into the vip zone when we were hardly vip. we didn't even spent a single cent getting drinks because we had free drinks delivered to us in the vip zone! and all these happened because my friend was so perfect. she had the kind of loudness you have to love. she has the uncanny ability to brighten any place she's at. she's genuine, sincere and yet fun-loving and her warmth comes straight to anyone who has met her, even a stranger. her smile is more beautiful than anything i've seen in my life. how did she become such an amazing person?

or my favourite junior, who works with such drivenness that even someone older, like me, must hide my face in shame. she strives for the best, puts in her everything in anything she does, and mostly, she never falters under the pressure. yet she knows how to live life. she's respectful. she has achieved so much in her life and she has every reason to be crazily arrogant but she has always retained a humble heart towards everything in life. and after a hard day of work, this girl knows how to party, unwind and have fun! she lived life hard - in the sense that she worked hard and played equally hard. i liked her almost immediately after i met her.

or my best friend, who never faltered or crumple even though she has been through more than any one of us has. there are so many times when it would be much easier for her to turn to the wrong track, or just give up but that thought has never crossed her mind. when other people are generally more interested to talk about themselves, this friend prefers to listen. even superficially, when everyone else were chasing after fashion trends, this precious friend prefers vintage dresses and beautiful flowers because that is who she is.

or the special individual who has recently passed away. He died doing what he was incredibly passionate about. and that was the way he has led his entire life. he lived his life to the fullest, he followed his heart and always did what was right.

when can i achieve such poise, such wisdom and such perfection? i've never been afraid of growing old because inevitably, with time comes wisdom. i want to be wiser. i wish i can make the right decisions in the future. i hope with all my heart that my earnestness can reach people's hearts in the future. i pray that i can live my life right, like what these beautiful people have done.

we got to fight for this love.

monkey rant

2011-01-02T19:32:00.001+08:00

hehe. I love chou xin che.

hehe i don't care what you say but i love his old movies to no end. they are random, sometimes they don't make sense but why should that matter, especially when it makes us laugh so hard that it hurts. when i was on my flight back from Taipei on a freaking SQ plane last year, i had a million and one good movies to pick from but i ended up rewatching Pandora's Box. so i decided, randomly, that i should watch the sequel of the incredibly hilarious movie today when i chanced upon this comment by a chinese viewer on funsion.

这个世界上还有一个故事，叫做《大话西游》。

世界是巨大的枷锁，你不得不重复自己或是别人的生活。
记得长辈说过：年轻是一种罪过。他们说我们不成熟。
　　
真切地为自己的不俗喝彩，在深切的郁闷中，突然就看懂了《大话西游》的开头：
一位才华横溢又无法无天的青年（孙悟空），根本不喜欢世人摊派给他的大事业（西天取经）。他尤其受不了师父（唐僧）的唠唠叨叨，可世俗条规（观音）又不放过他。为让他悔悟，心甘情愿地去取经，唐僧和观音达成妥协：让他五百年后重新做人。
这真是一个宿命的开始。

九七一师兄曰：“大学的孩子都是玻璃罐里养蛤蟆，前途光明出路不大。”再贴切不过。大闹天宫无非是大学四年的黄金时光罢了，找到工作走上社会任你盖世的才华浑身的个性也自有翻不出的五指山来压。只有戴上紧箍咒取经去，九九八十一难，做一个奇奇怪怪的佛。你别无选择。
　　　　
五百年后的悟空叫至尊宝，在五岳山从事一份很有前途的职业——
山贼。命运却要他扮演孙悟空，至尊宝只是个过渡罢了。蜘蛛精来了，白骨精来了，菩提老祖来了，牛魔王也来了……都是棋子，安静地立在命棋盘的中央。

他的路线是早定好的：（1）一个人给他三颗痣（2）戴上紧箍咒（3）打败牛魔王（4）西天取经。可怜的至尊宝什么都不知道，认认真真做山贼，还爱上了白骨精，想和她结为百年之好。
　　　　
所有的事都瞒着他接二连三地发生。
　　　　
给至尊宝三颗痣的人是紫霞仙子。谁说的：总有一个女孩出现，让男孩最终成为男人。而男人永远都不可能得到她，那简直是一定的。
　　　　
非常喜欢紫霞的开场白：“现在我郑重宣布，这座山上所有的东西都是我的，包括你。”那样的气贯云霄，像一个童话故事。而现实是：这个世界没有什么属于你，包括你自己。也许我们就是为了创造属于自己的东西才来到这个世上，因为年轻，所以押注于爱情。

至尊宝拒绝了紫霞，他以为自己还爱晶晶。见到晶晶，他又发现紫霞才是真爱。命运一直在同他开玩笑：至尊宝忽然成了孙悟空，千辛万苦找晶晶又爱上了紫霞。而抉择是那样残酷：要打败牛魔王救紫霞，就必须戴上紧箍咒做回神通广大的孙悟空；而戴上紧箍咒就不能有半点情欲，只有取经去。

为至尊宝不平：不明白在这样的故事里为何爱情总要成为牺牲品，干嘛不让周星弛携紫霞纤纤小手——走先！我曾无数次在网上反映过类似意见，搞得很累。爱情是那样美丽而脆弱，无法直面生活的琐碎和坚韧。哪段感情又没有绚烂的瞬间和艰难的长久，在一起就会幸福吗，未必。
　　　　
至尊宝挖开自己的心，看到了紫霞留在那里的一滴眼泪，毕竟曾经沧海过。
五百年又五百年，兜了一个大圈子又回到了原地。人没能战胜命运，而人的尊严却在抗争中得到了肯定，人的情感也必将不朽。 “生亦何欢，死亦何苦。”大彻大悟。
　　　　
紧箍咒，圈住昔日的梦想，圈住棱角分明的个性。
　　　　
成熟是一个很痛的词，它不一定会得到，却一定会失去。
　　　　
永别了，激情四溢的花样年华！永别了，神采飞扬的青春岁月！永别了，同学！永别了，爱人同志！至此后漫漫长路我独行。
　　　　
望着荧幕上扛着金箍棒的悟空，忽地明白了本班男生什么自称光棍。向光棍行者们敬礼！
　　　　
全片最后一句台词是：“你看那个人，好奇怪哟，象一条狗。”
罗曼蒂克、海誓山盟、生死相许……面对爱情这些都是琐碎，不值一提。
爱情就是爱情，不是别的什么东西。
能与爱情同在的只有生命，其他都滚一边儿去。
你爱了，难道还不够吗？
悟空爱了，不论晶晶还是紫霞，他都要将爱情进行到底。
晶晶爱了，那个弃她而去的悟空，“不能和喜欢的人在一起，做人又怎会开心。”
紫霞爱了，“谁拔出我的紫青宝剑，谁就是我的如意郎君。”
爱一个人需要理由吗？
孙悟空会爱白骨精，八戒爱上了蜘蛛精。紫霞爱他至深，因为他拔出了一把剑。
　　　　

故事里的人找爱人的理由永远千奇百怪：王子要用水晶鞋才能找到灰姑娘，薛宝钗要那有玉的人来配……可生活永远现实得多，芸芸众生，谁又能许谁一个未来，自欺欺人罢了。
　　　　
有理由也好，没理由也罢，可还是要爱。让我去，过程就是结果，无悔。
　　　　
爱无须掩饰无须矫做无须患得患失，只要像紫霞一样说：“让我们立刻开始这段感情吧！先亲我一下。”
爱是身不由己。
晶晶口中道：“我再也不会为这个男人心痛了。”可还是要为他拔剑与人拼命。
至尊宝梦中也要叫紫霞的名字七百四十一次，不知道的人觉得紫霞一定欠了他很多钱。
　　　　
紫霞说：“就象飞蛾，明知会受伤也要扑到火上。”
“我无力抗拒，向你狂奔去。”无可救药的痴迷。
爱是奋不顾身。
　　　　
至尊宝对晶晶说：“你杀了我吧，我不希望你看我的时候心里却想着别的人。”
晶晶以为：“都是骗我的。”跳下崖去。
紫霞把身体挡在至尊宝面前，刺进牛魔王的铁叉里。
一时间，以后的人生如何，大家都无所谓了。连那样宝贵的性命，也打算随时给爱情作了祭品。一个个一头扎进这情爱苦海，宁愿永生永世不得超生。
爱深刻莫测。
　　　　
三十娘流着泪说：“想我春三十娘貌美如花，却跟这么丑的人有了。”
这是多少美丽自负的女子的宿命：心中的他是能文能武翩翩少年，枕边人却鼾声如雷大腹便便。谁敢说多年后眼望自己的丈夫不会有如此感觉，真不知幸福还是心酸。不过还是要为他挺身而去无限牺牲，像春三十娘为八戒放下断龙石与牛魔王同归于尽。
　　　　
晶晶爱悟空，至尊宝爱晶晶，紫霞爱至尊宝，“他爱你你爱我我爱他”，千古无解的方程。《白马啸西风》里说：“如果你深深爱着的人，却又深深爱上了别人，能有什么法子？”
　　　　
所以紫霞说：“爱一个人原来是那么痛苦。”
晶晶找不到那个抛弃她的悟空（象不象殷离），告诉至尊宝：“你经过五百年回来要找的不是我。”当年被他推开的紫霞已经悄无声息地抵达他灵魂的最深处，而他却不自知。可紫霞死了：“我的意中人是个盖世英雄，有一天他会踩着七色的云彩来娶我，我猜中了前头，可是我猜不着这结局……”

没有人猜得中结局，一切随风而去。
　　　　
恋爱的时候我们都不懂爱情，懂得爱情后却失去了可以相爱的时光。
　　　　
最绝望不是他不爱你或他离你而去，最绝望是你忘记了怎么去爱一个人，你已丧失了爱的能力。
　　　　
请记住下面的台词：“曾经有一份真诚的爱情摆在我的面前，但是我没有珍惜。等到了失去的时候才后悔莫及，尘世间最痛苦的事莫过于此。如果上天可以给我一个机会再来一次的话，我会对你说三个字“我爱你”。如果非要把这份爱加上一个期限，我希望是一万年！”
也顺便记住这段话的原版，在王家卫的《重庆森林》里：“如果记忆是一个罐头，我希望它永远都不会过期，如果一定要加上一个期限的话，我希望是一万年。”
　　　
至尊宝第一次说这番话是骗紫霞，第二次说已痛不欲生。总有一天，你会在灵魂最温柔的一隅为她重复这段话，为了你们即将封存的一万年。
“如果有一天我忍不住问你，你一定要骗我。不管你心里有多么不愿意，你都不要告诉我你从来没有喜欢过我。”
　　　　
此情可待成追忆
只是当时已惘然

Such a wonderful piece of writing. I enjoyed it immensely.

i don't need no parachute when i've got you.

2010-12-30T22:31:00.000+08:00

I love love love kinect!

Spent the afternoon at Junyi's, dancing to the beats of Pokerface or attempting some really dangerous river cruises. hehe. Technology still amazes me. and the best part is the kinect combines fun with exercise. i'll happily dance to evacuate the dancefloor than jog a dozen rounds about my park. there are simply so many reasons to get a kinect! i shall attempt to psycho my sister into getting one. it would be so ideal for a cosy family gathering during chinese new year or a house party or just a couple of friends during a lazy saturday afternoon. hehe.

some jokes never ever go stale. like "call me mazu" :) i'm blessed to have such wonderful friends.

that said, i'm so glad to be out every single night this past week. this is the way everyone should spend the last two weeks of their holiday. and since tomorrow is new year's eve, it's high time i should pen down my resolutions for the new year.

1. Stop judging. as aforementioned, i shall stop judging. that is of course technically not possible (because every second you say something, that's a form of judgment) but i shall steer away from being overly harsh to people around me. give them the benefit of the doubt, always.

2. Study smart. i happily picked all the toughest modules next semester so besides studying hard, i have to study smart too. and not at the expense of my social life.

3. Exercise at least three times a week. and since i'll be doing pilates with my sis on sunday mornings, this effectively means i just need to jog on my own initiative twice in a week.

4. Save up for grad trip. period.

5. Be gracious.

Happy new year friends!

a reminder

2010-12-29T12:30:00.000+08:00

I am a preachy person, i know.

But i take comfort in the knowledge that many preachy people i know are also incredibly talented (like David Tao). Unfortunately, many of them are also hypocrites as they do not usually follow their own advice (like David Tao). So I am glad that although i'm in the category of annoying people who preach all the time, at the very least, i walk the talk.

And this thought is sparked off by the numerous conversations i have had over the post-christmas fun. had a sleepover with two of my most favourite people. we borrowed 4 DVDs but ended up just watching Love Actually (hehehe) and talking til 4am in the morning. Then we woke up, have dumpling noodles, then incredibly talked some more. I am astounded by the amount of talking i can do with these girls. from property prices, to nail polishes. from infamous lawyers to mother-in-laws. and inevitably, we gossiped about what has happened during the holidays and exchanged stories, true or false, about what we've heard.

then i met up with my secondary school friends. we were there to visit our friend who got into a car accident recently but we ended up talking nonsense, like how many of our friends have gotten married, is she still with her boyfriend or is he still a jerk etc. then we reminded each other that we are only rich in memories and we think back to the times in zhonghua. secondary sch years were the best. there wasn't a thing to worry about and in retrospect, the o's were chicken feet compared to what we have to do now. judging from my friend's insane references to statistics, i guess his holiday assignment must be stressing him out a little.

anyway, after all that gossiping, i thought about these leads in the stories we tell. frankly speaking, the truth doesn't matter after a while. what matters is what people think it is. its the same in law - yes our judicial processes are aimed at discovering the truth, but sometimes (or more often than not), the truth doesn't matter. what matters is what the judge thinks it is. then i got reminded about what my sis was doing recently - a lesson plan on the value of truth.

what is the value of truth?

these people we talk about may or may not have done the deeds we say they have, but it doesn't matter if they didn't as long as someone out there believes in their potential, capacity etc to do those things and consequently, belives in the tales others tell. last night, peiyi said, "well people judge." and i don't understand the full extent and impact of that observation until now. every moment that we believe in something someone says, that is a judgment in itself. in that person, and also the person he or she was talking about.

this is hardly an epiphany, or novel for that matter, i know. but it shocks me as to how much judging i have done. i remember scribing on my notebook saying things like "i will not judge others" but i ended up doing all the same.

don't get me wrong, i don't feel sad about gossiping these people. when there is smoke, there is fire. or in other words, if you lived your life morally, and with principles, people can hardly gossip about you. or if you have always shown yourself to be upright and dignified, people will dismiss these gossips and give you the benefit of the doubt. the only reason why these people are talked about is because they have given others something to talk about. it's not necessarily a bad thing. we see that in Easy A - you shaped the reputation you earned, and if you're thriving in that attention, you can't blame the reputation which gave you the attention in the first place.

i feel bad for myself instead. because while you are what you eat, you are also what you say. i wonder what are people thinking when they look at me, and if they are judging me like how i have judged others.

don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you. hence, from this day on, i shall no longer gossip and i shall no longer judge.

what i've been up to this holiday

2010-12-22T14:23:00.000+08:00